HENSLEY HOPES

Gracie Loves Giraffes

2012-01-08T22:03:00.000-08:00

Ever since Gracie's Great Aunt Judy and Great Uncle Bill sent her a giraffe pillow and blanket she can't get enough of giraffes. After her Blessing I received a little note and some money from my Aunt Tarina and Uncle Steve. The note said to by something fun for Gracie. I went to Target and got a soothing sounds giraffe and a blanket with a giraffe on it. She falls to sleep with the music every night now. Smiles and eats it before she sleeps. She didn't really like it until the giraffe pillow and banket came. Now she smiles at everything giraffe. So I had to get a giraffe outfit for her. Josh also brought her home a giraffe from Texas. She loves them and can't get enough. I think she will be having a giraffe birthday party. It is so fun to see what things kids react to.

One Crazy Vacation

2012-01-08T21:14:00.000-08:00

So my dad took the boys to see the Utes play at the Sun Bowl in Texas over New Years. So the girls thought that it might be fun to take all the kids to St. George. We thought wrong. Lots of miss communication. We left Friday at 12 noon. Friday was Ok.

Saturday was the opposite. Friday night my mom, sisters and I decided that we wanted to go shopping on Saturday. We decided that going in shifts would be best. Mom and Camille would go first at 10 and be back by 1 so that Manda and I could go. I didn't really have anything in particular that I needed to get. I did want to get some shirts for me. Pretty much all of my shirts are to small and are getting so warn out that they are getting holes in them. We would switch off tending the other kids all except for the babies Brielle and Gracie. The babies had to go with their mommy's. I thought this was going to work out great. I thought wrong. I pretty much was the only one babysitting because Manda was putting Lianna down for a nap. Shopping was fun though. Manda and I went to JC Penny to get Clint clothes, then to Kid To Kid, then to the outlets and our last stop we went to a Down East ModBe Warehouse sale where all the shirts where $3. We made a hall. After our shopping trip we all met at Costco. Camille had left her baby formula at home and had to get some. Then we went to dinner at Panda. Four adults against 6 kids is not my idea of a vacation. We had to separate each child to eat. By the end of the meal every kid was upset about something. That night the adults stayed up and played UNO until the new year.

Sunday was crazy too. No one was ready to go to church until 1. Camille decided that she was going to put Brielle down for a nap but never left her room until we went to church. Thus me babysitting again, We walked to church because it wasn't that cold. We missed the sacrament. After sacrament mom, Camille, Jordan, and Brielle went in the chapel to sit. Manda didn't think that there was enough room in the chapel to sit so she and I stayed out. I was feeding Gracie, Lianna started to wonder and got lost. Amanda found her and decided to leave because was worried about Lianna getting lost again. She left in a huff because mom wasn't there to help. But mom didn't know she needed help. I went in to for the rest of the meeting and sat with Camille, mom, Jordan, Brielle and Gracie. The rest of the day Gracie and I took an nap. I think it was a well deserved one.

Monday we went out to breakfast. Kracker Barrel. Yum. It took a while. Apparently a lot of other people had the same idea. We had planned on leaving at 1. We had to be back to pick up the boys from the airport. We went to the house and started to hurry and clean up and get out of there. Manda went to Walmart to get treats for the ride home and didn't seem to come back for a while. She was making keys and it took longer than expected. We didn't get all the laundry done and took 2 whole garbage bags full home to wash. we finally left at 2:40. Before we left Kai misplaced his IPOD. Mom and I had been looking everywhere to find it while trying to clean and do laundry. Manda came home and was panicking about it. She didn't want to leave with out it. She mom and I had a shouting fight about us not helping looking for it. We never did find it. The trip home was a very quiet trip. I was so glad to be leaving.

Needless to say there will be no more baby sitting trips for me. We are back now and are all getting along just fine. Man am I so happy t be home.

Gracie's first real sickness

2011-12-27T14:08:00.000-08:00

Christmas and yesterday Gracie had been acting very unhappy. She wasn't eating that great ether. Christmas at my parents ward she was so fussy. I spent the meeting out in the lobby trying to get her to calm down. Yesterday she woke up crying and didn't stop. She seemed like she was in pain. Strep has been going around in my family the last couple of weeks. So I was suspecting that she had Strep. None of the regular Doctors offices were open yesterday so we had to go to the InstaCare. The doctor swabbed her throat and was testing it when she started crying so hard that the doctor came in and asked if maybe the swabbing caused her to cry. I told her that she had been this way all morning. The test came back negative and another doctor came in to examine her. He was so nice. He picked her up and console her to the point that he could take a look at her ears, One of them was fine but when he checked the other ear there was a infection. I was given a prescription and went right next door to get it filled. The whole way Gracie screaming and crying. I didn't know what to do. It took what seemed like forever to fill it. Finally we went home and I gave her some medicine and a bottle. She didn't drink much but it seemed to console her enough to help her sleep. After a short nap all she wanted to do was be held. Poor baby, I feel so bad. She has had up to this point not very many sicknesses. Just stuffy and runny noses. So the day after Christmas was Gracie's first real bad sickness. She is however feeling much better today. Thank goodness.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-12-22T14:22:00.000-08:00

This year we spent our Thanksgiving at my parents house. Josh had to work Thanksgiving night and my mom, my sister Amanda and I went to Walmart and Shopko for black Friday.

Gracie Is 5 Months

2011-12-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. She is getting so big. She now reaches and can grab things she moves all over the place. We have been trying to feed her baby food and mush everyday. Some times she likes it and sometimes she cries about it.. She does not like plain mush but does like the one with apples in it. She has tried, peaches, sweat potatoes, carrots, green beans, and peas. She so far is not fond of peaches, or sweet potatoes. She now sleeps through the night in her own room and in a crib. She can almost roll over and is laugh and talking. She is such a joy and we love her to much.

Gracie is 4 Months

2011-12-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

Actually she is almost five months. She has started to smile and laugh. She is so close to roll over. She rolls all over and will be in one spot and then move to a completely other spot. She is so fun and smiles so much. Such a happy little girl. Love her so much. In November Gracie went to the Living Planet Aquarium for the first time. She didn't really get it. Still trying to work on her neck mussels and tummy time.

Gracie on Halloween

2011-12-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

Sorry these are so late, but thought every would like to see Gracie's Halloween Costume.

Our New Home In Saratoga Springs

2011-12-06T21:43:00.000-08:00

We finally closed on our house on November 1. Two weeks after we were suppose to close. Here our the pictures I promised. We love it.

Gracie is 3 Months

2011-10-19T12:55:00.001-07:00

Gracie turned 3 months yesterday. She is getting so big. This last week I took her to the Dr. She was really upset and was crying in a way that I had never heard before. Turns out that she just was having really bad gas. She has lots of it I guess. The did weigh her and she was 10 lb. 1.5 oz. She is growing so big. She is now in 0-3 month clothes and is in size one diapers. She is talking more and more and smiles all the time. She loves her kick gym and watching baby Einstein movies. She still wakes up twice at night but is still a great nurser. I love her so much.

Gracie is 2 Months old

2011-10-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

Gracie turned 2 months on Sept. 18th. She is smiling lots now and is focusing much better. She loved to watch Baby Einstein movies an laughs at them. She likes to watch football at Grandpa and Grandma's house. She likes her cousin Brielle who is 2 months older than her. She still wakes up at night twice for feedings and is a great eater. At her last doctor appointment she got shots which she did not like at all and weighed 9 lb. 7.5 oz. She is growing big. She now is in size 1 diapers and is now in 0-3 month clothing instead of newborn clothing. Although the 0-3 month pants are still a little to big for her. She is such a joy to have and is so good. We love her so much.

We bought a House!

2011-10-02T18:22:00.000-07:00

Our contract for our rental is up at the end of October. Josh and I have been in a credit restoration program and have been very blessed financially to be able to pay off all our dept. We thought that it would take a while to have our credit scores to get higher, but that was not the case. I got a call from our landlords explaining that they needed to move back in Feb. of next year. They sent us a new contract extending the previous rental agreement. We talked to our realtors and they talked to a loan officer and we where able to be approved for $225,000. We started looking. Josh found a house immediately that he liked. I liked it too. It had been under contract but appraised to low and the people who wanted it backed out. We immediately put a offer in. There was another offer that was in as well and the other offer was a cash offer. Though it was less than we had offered the seller took the cash offer. Josh was devastated And very angry. I assured him that there was a better house and that it really was in God's hands. He didn't really like what I said. The next week we looked and really didn't find a house we liked. That weekend we found it. It is in Saratoga Springs and we liked it a lot. Some people have spiritual experiences when they find there house. I sort of had one. Though it was not for the house. We were driving to it and I had a feeling when we turned the corner that this was it. I actually was looking at the house on the corner. While we were looking at it Gracie got hungry and I took her to the main floor bed room to feed her. I felt very at peace. Who knows if that was a spiritual experience or not but I really do like this house. If everything goes the way it is suppose to we will close on October 28th. We also were told we could even close one to two weeks earlier that that. I am quit annoyed that I have to pack everything up again. Just when I jus barley finished un packing everything. But hopefully I won't have to do it again for a very very long time.

U of U vs. BYU Rivalry Game

2011-09-26T12:01:00.000-07:00

Here is Gracie sporting her U of U Cheerleading out fit. I made the bow. GO UTES!

Gracie" Blessing

2011-09-26T11:35:00.000-07:00

Gracie was blessed on September 4, 2011 by Josh. In the circle was my dad, Russ, josh's dad, Jerry, Josh's three brothers, Christopher, Bryan, and Jamison, Josh's brother in law, Cody, my two uncles, Norm and Bob, and my two brother in laws, Clint and Robbie. We had a wonderful day. My mom made Gracie's blessing dress. I made the bow. The bracelet was actually Ally's. We forgot to put it on her at her funeral. We had a open house after. We had breakfast burritos, fresh fruit and juice. Our house was packed. We had a wonderful time chatting with friends and family. Thanks to all those who came and shared this wonderful day with Gracie and Us.

Last Sunday Purple Princess Dress.

2011-08-31T13:57:00.001-07:00

Here is Gracie in her Purple Princess Dress. I made the bow. I don't think it turned out that great. Enjoy.

Gracie is One Month Old

2011-08-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Thursday this week Gracie Lynn turned a month. She rolled over from her stomach to her back at 3 weeks. She smiled at a week (don't know if she was really smiling at me or just drifting off to sleep). She almost slept through the night last night. She has been quite fussy lately ad has been spitting up almost every feeding. My sister suggested to elevate her head at night. So I did. This morning at 6 am I woke up to check on her. I thought Josh had taken her out of the pack and play to rock her. He does that a lot at night. Then I looked to see if he was out of bed. He wasn't. I started to panic. Where did she go. Well she had rolled all the way down to the end of the pack and play and was covered by her blanket. I immediately took the blanked off to make sure she had not suffocated. She was fine and woke up with the cold air. Scared me to death. We went to bed at about 11 and she didn't get up until 6. I don't know if that is good or bad. The night before she woke up only twice and yesterday she only ate 4 times during the day. I hope that she is getting enough. Here are some pictures. The one in the flowered dress was last Sunday and I forgot to post it. The green dress we got at Kid to Kid yesterday. It is actually still in Baby Gap but we got it at Kid to Kid for 50% off. Josh didn't like the bow. But I love it. I try to get pictures before church but the light in our bedroom is not that great and our church is @ 9 so it is hard to get her at her best and have enough time to get pictures at all. So I was lucky to take some right after sacrament when we got home. This week I was hoping to stay for all of church but Josh is going back to work today and was tired and wanted to make sure that he had everything ready. These pictures I took right before she had a huge spit up all over the dress. I am so glad the dress is machine was cold. Enjoy.

Starting Dance!

2011-08-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited. Monday I am starting a Jazz/Ballet. I have always wanted to take a Ballet class. I talked to the director and she told me that she wanted to start an adult competition group. I still want to do performances and perform. I am way excited. I have danced Ballet for 12 years and I can't wait to get back to it. Hooray for Dancing.

Some hard mommy emotions

2011-08-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I have felt really detached from Gracie. Don't get me wrong. I am so glad to have her and I love her. But I don't feel like her mom yet. I don't feel bonded to her. Perhaps it is the fact that I am totally scared out of my mind that she is going to die in her sleep or something. Or the fact that I haven't had enough sleep. The other night I did have a thought that if at the end of the world we were dying of starvation, I don't know if I could watch her suffer. I feel like the worlds worst mom because of how I feel. I don't really hold her as much as I should. I don't feel like her mom yet. I feel a little distant from her. WHat is wrong with me? I was so excited to hold her and have her and now I don't know how I feel. I feel horrible.

Gracie's first Sunday at church

2011-08-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

Today my mom and dad in law took Gracie to Sacrament Meeting. Sorry these are not the best pictures. Gracie was not happy that we woke her up, gave her a bath, and dressed her up. Plus the bow fell in her face and that made her even more mad. So hence her upset face when I took her picture this morning. We were going to take some after church, but she decided to spit up all over her outfit. Oh well. I think she still looked stinkin cute.

Gracie Lynn is here!

2011-07-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

Sunday all day I was having really hard and painful contractions. They were so bad that I was having to breath through them. I really didn't want to go in because we were scheduled to come in Monday morning. But when I was having these contractions where I couldn't talk through them I was worried. We got home from my parents @ about 10:30 p.m. Josh packed the car up and got everything ready for Monday. We went to bed @ 11:15. @ 11:30 I called labor and delivery and told them that we were coming in. We got to the Hospital at 12:15. They checked me and I was @ a 6+. The nurse poked me 2 times to put an IV in but wasn't successful. I had asked for a epidural but they couldn't give me one until I had and IV. I got nauseous and threw up. They then called the Anesthesiologist to come in. He poked me twice but was finally able to get a IV in. Immediately he gave me an epidural and I finally calmed down. Then my water broke and they checked me again. @ this point I was an 8+. Dr. came in and they set up everything for delivery. They then checked again and I was ready to go. Gracie Lynn was born at 2:21 am in the morning. She weighed 6 lb. 7 oz. and was 20 1/4 inches long. She was healthy and perfect. We are so happy that she is here and healthy. Thank you so much Heavenly Father for our wonderful new blessing.

Light at the end of the tunnel!

2011-07-14T11:35:00.000-07:00

Dr. Appointment today. Still at a 3, but cervix is totally ready to go. Finally saw my doctor today. I was so happy. Haven't seen her in 6 weeks. She was thinking about dates to Induce. I just blurted out "How about Sunday?" To my surprise she said "I'm ok with that." She then said "How about Monday because I am actually on that day?" Done and done. So our sweet Gracie will be born Monday July 18th. Our induction is set for 7:30 am but we are going to call to see if there is a room for us before we leave. So relieved about it. Now I don't have to worry about my water braking at home and having the baby at home or in the car on the way to the hospital.

Some hard emotions!

2011-07-11T11:05:00.000-07:00

These last few weeks have been a little hard. Pregnancy is not very easy at the end. I have been feeling very nervous about making it to the hospital in time. Or even going in at all with contractions. I feel like I am a burden and that I am over reacting to everything. I would feel better if we lived closer to the hospital and gas wasn't so expensive. Also I feel bad for all the false alarms I've been having. Hospital trips are not cheep. Sometimes I just want my water to brake at home. Then I would really know that I need to go to the hospital. But then there is the experience with Ally that terrifies me. She road the wave after my water broke. There was no time to get to the Hospital. I have been trying very hard to get inspiration from Heavenly Father through this. I ask him if I should go to the hospital, or say that I am going and ask him if that is right but get no answer. We used to be so close. I used to be able to feel weather or not something I was doing was good or bad. He used give me inspiration right after I would ask for it. I very much miss that. I feel so lost. Like he isn't hearing any of my prayers. I am trying to read my scriptures and pray every day. I go to church. What is wrong with me? I feel alone. I was very messed but feeling wise after the tragic death of Ally but have tried to regain those feelings and spirituality back. What can I do?

Dr. Appointment today

2011-07-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

Can you believe I didn't have to go to Labor and Delivery today? Its amazing. I had my regular check up today. They were running very slow at that clinic. I think we waited an hour before we were seen. First and ultrasound to check if the baby was head down. She was. I don't think she has ever been head up. I then asked about the umbilical cord. She moves a lot and I don't want the cord to be wrapped around her or in a knot or something like that. Nurse said that it was highly unlikely since she has never been head up. I then asked about the Ambieon that I have been taking. I am almost out. Nurse said that I might want to try to get off that. I will be having a baby very shortly and I don't want to be addicted to Ambieon and not wake up to feed the baby in the night. She suggested that I take half of the rest I have and maybe skip days so that I can get off of it. Next the Dr. cam in and checked my cervix. No changes. Still a 3. I hope this doesn't continue for too much longer. It is starting to get really old. Dr. kept saying that I was only 36 weeks and it still is early. It was weird because I really am almost 37 weeks. 2 more days and I will be 37 weeks. So I really am full term. Just weird that she insisted that I wasn't ready. Well she is right in a way. Gracie isn't here yet. Thank goodness that I get to see my real Dr. She is finally available next week. She might induce @ 38 weeks instead of 39. Since I have a very high risk of having fast labor. Once my water brakes I go way fast or at least i did with Ally. I really want to have this baby in the hospital. Not in the car on the way or at home. We will have to see what happens.

Yet Another Trip to Labor and Delivery

2011-07-01T15:43:00.001-07:00

Thursday morning at 4:45 am. I again started to have really bad contractions. The Dr. said to time them and if they did not change or go away in 2 hours to come to Labor and Delivery. I was debating on going in because I had a Dr. Appointment that morning at 10:45. I had tried everything yet again to stop them. Bath and lots of water, resting and nothing seemed to calm them down. I had packed everything needed for the delivery the day before. So at about 6:45 am Josh had me call Labor and Delivery and let them that I was coming in yet again. We packed everything in the car, thinking that Gracie would be arriving that day. Car seat, diaper bag, clothes for our stay, camcorder and camera, etc. Still having bad contractions Labor and Delivery hooked me up to the monitors yet again. They checked me. Still a 3. I had not changed at all seen the last Labor and Delivery trip. Dr. said they would monitor me a couple more hours to see if I made any progress. They tested me for strep B, and ran some blood tests. Still contracting heavily and they where not easing up. Came to check a few hours later and nothing had changed. Still a 3. This was getting ridiculous. I was in pain for nothing. This so sucks. Dr. came in to talk to me. Holding back tears I told him my concerns. I told him how frustrated I was. I told him that we lived in Eagle Mountain and I was very scared that if my water broke at home I wouldn't have enough time to get to the hospital. As most of you know when Ally was born, my water broke and Ally popped right out. It was such a blessing that I was in the hospital or she wouldn't have made it. Dr. Decided to put me on some medication to ease the contractions. I was given 20 mils and was still having bad contractions. So an hour later another dose. They gave me a prescription for the medication and sent me home. I was told to come back if I had taken 2 and contractions where not calming down. I am so frustrated with the whole thing. I wish I could just dilate. I am in so much pain for nothing at all. I can't do anything for the pain but ease it. I wish that I was in pain for something. I was very very disappointed all day Thursday. So I will just be in lots of pain until she comes. I don't really want to drive yet again for another disappointing outcome. But I really want to be in the hospital when my water brakes. So frustrating.

Last nights stay in Labor and Delivery

2011-06-23T19:43:00.000-07:00

So I spent the night in Labor and Delivery. Last night at 10 I started to have really bad contractions. I took a bath to see if they would go away. Josh and I timed them. I had them 3 min. apart and 13 in one hour. I called Labor and Delivery to ask if I should come in. The stupid dr. who answered said that he didn't know and that he would have to check. Well da. He said he would let Labor and Delivery know that I was coming. So Josh and I went to IMC hospital to Labor and Delivery. They hooked me up to the monitors and started keeping track of my contractions. They checked me once and I was still dilated to a 1+. they started me on an IV and gave me penicillin and some fluids. They then checked again another 3 hours later and I had dilated to a 2+. They said I would be there over night. I had taken and Ambian before we went and thought that I could get a little sleep. Nope not a chance. I think I got 30 min. The contractions kept waking me up. Finally 6 in the morning came. They checked me again and I was at a 3+. They said that they would go ahead and brake my water if I got to a 5 dilation. They kept monitoring me and checking. My contractions had calmed down and weren't coming so close together. The dicided to let me go at 11. I didn't want to go. I would hate to go into real labor on Friday and have to drive all the way back. Allyson was that way. Granted I also was leaking amniotic fluid with her and she had CDH. Gracie could come in 2 days or 2 weeks. Ether way the Dr. said that I will not probably make it full term. He all so told me that we want her to stay in until at least 37 weeks. That way she won't have to spend a month in the NICU.

Yesterdays Dr. Appointment

2011-06-22T14:48:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I had a Dr. appointment. Monday I had really bad contractions in the after noon and at night. The night ones kept me up until 5 am. Luckily they where calmed by a hot bath. I was ready to go in with both episodes, but figured it would be stupid to go in be sent home and go in for a Dr. appt. the next day.

Tuesday at the Dr. I did a NST(non stress test) first. The nurse first measured my fluids. She had to measure them twice because the first measurement was pretty low. The baby's heart beat was normal, but the machine couldn't pick up the contractions. I told the nurse and she repositioned the monitor and it picked up 2 very strong contractions. The nurse then asked me when I was seeing my Dr. again. I told her right after the NST. At the Dr.'s office they checked fluids and my cervix with a ultrasound. I then asked if they could check to see if I was dilating. Usually when checked it does not hurt at all. This time it was extremely painful. The Dr. estimated about 1 cm dilation but wasn't quite sure because I couldn't hold still long enough. He said that I might have and infection or something to cause that pain but didn't give me anything or seem that worried about it.

I must mention that I tend to dilate extremely fast. With Eive I was at a 1 cm the first week checked and dilated 3 cm a week each week. With Ally I never knew how much I dilated because she was so fast and early.

I now see the Dr. every week and also have a NST scheduled for every week as well. The sad thing is that I don't get to see my real Dr. Just one of the others that is working the day I come in.

Some how I think Gracie will make her entrance ether the first of July or the middle.

Our weekend in Ephraim Utah!

2011-06-18T11:53:00.000-07:00

Friday through Wednesday we where in Ephraim Utah with Josh's family. Friday to Saturday was the Anderson Reunion. Josh's mom and her siblings all have a reunion every year. They invite there Kids and there grandkids to come. The reunion is always held in ephraim. Usually up in the canyon. Josh's uncle Val Jo has a cabin up there. We had a great time chatting with relatives and making new friends Every year the reunion has auction to rase money for the next years reunion. This year they asked people to make home made gifts. I was busy the week before making things. I made two car seat covers. One boy and one girl. 24 burp cloths and 4 painted picture frames. The frames didn't sell at all. The car seat covers sold for a lot and I didn't sell three sets of burp cloths( packs of 3). We enjoyed great food and had a great time.

Saturday night through Wednesday we stayed with Josh's brother. Sunday Josh's Nephew Andrew asked Josh to ordain him to the office of a teacher in the church. I was very touched that he would want Josh to do it. We had a big get together after and watched Escape to WitchMountain when everyone had left.

Monday we spent the time with Bryan and Stacey helping them run errands. We went to McDonald's for a birthday party. That Night I got to watch my two nieces who are 3 and 4 play tee ball. It was hilarious. They where more interested in the dirt.
Andrew my nephew was also playing baseball. We left in the middle of the game to meet with Josh's cousin Hayley for some Ice Cream. After that we came back to get Andrew from his game. He said that he was glad we left because he always does better when he doesn't have anyone watching him. We returned to Bryan's house to a full house. They were having a get together for a neighbor who was moving. Josh and I had a great time chatting with the neighbors.

Tuesday we went to the only Mexican restaurant in Ephraim for lunch. And most of the day we hung out with our two nieces. Hayley who is 4 and Milly who is 3. Hayley kept asking me why the baby in my tummy was not out yet. I had to tell her that my baby wasn't ready to come yet. Then she told me that the baby should come out and if she is not ready she can go back in.
Then came the question of how the baby got in there in the first place. I didn't feel comfortable explaining this to her so I said the baby wanted to be in there. Stacey said that was a good answer, She said that she is going to have and interesting time explaining this concept to her sense she is adopted. We also got flowers and put them on Josh's grandparents and Ben Bryan and Stacey's little boy who was still born. That night we had the great opportunity to watch one of the dress rehearsals for the Manti Pageant. Bryan and Stacey's family is all in it this year. There oldest Brock is Mortal Maroni. It was great.

Wednesday was Josh and I's 9th Anniversary. Josh surprised me with doughnuts, chocolate milk, flowers, and a card for breakfast. Bryan and Stacey then treated us to Chinese. We left after that rented some movies and spent a nice relaxing time at home.

We had a wonderful time. I was very surprised that I didn't have a hard time emotionally. Saturday was the 1st anniversary of Ally's death and Tuesday was Evie's Birthday and Wednesday was Evie's death. I didn't have any crying at all. All except when I went to the Manti Pageant and Christ came to the America's. Christ holds a little baby in that scene and I started to cry.

Dr. Appointment

2011-06-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

Thursday June 2, I had another dr. appt. I have been very concerned about delivering early this pregnancy. I asked many questions about it to the dr. She told me that 34 weeks is enough for healthy babies. Although they may spends some time in the NICU. I want to hold Gracie when she comes out. so I might have to weight. These last past weeks I am getting more and more uncomfortable. The internal heater has kicked in and I find myself always hot and tired. I wasn't suppose to have an ultra sound on Thursday but but I told my dr. my concerns and she wanted to make sure everything looked fine. My fluid looks totally normal and my cervix is very long. I also asked the Dr. if I could schedule an induction. I don't want to go into labor and have to drive 45 min. to the hospital. Knowing me I would have the baby in the car. She told me that 36 weeks is full term for a pregnancy but she is only allowed to induce one week early from the due date. She looked at the calendar and told me that we could schedule it for July 24th or July 25th. The 24 is Pioneer Day and the 25th is my uncle Norm"s birthday. We didn't schedule it yet. My dr. says that when you do schedule the inductions the mother usefully goes into preterm labor. So date is not set in stone yet. Gracie also could come earlier too. Anything past 36 weeks and as long as I can hold her after she comes is fine with me too.

So in general Gracie Lynn will most likely make her entrance on July 24th or 25th. Hooray!

Irritations, Stress, and Big Weekend

2011-06-05T17:08:00.000-07:00

This week has been irritation city. I have been trying long and hard to figure out why Josh and I are so irritated with each other lately. We have been under a lot of emotional stress. My grandpa died and emotions take a toll on energy. Josh has been acting very short with me lately. He always seems irritated with everything I say. Seems to loose his temper every time I open my mouth. The two days he has off I think are the worst days in the week. I yesterday didn't want to talk, touch, or even been in the same room with him. I forgot to take my medication yesterday morning so that might have had something to due with it.

Also my grandpa's estate thing has been getting on my nerves. I don't want to remember my grandpa because he was rich. I don't care about what expensive thing I get from his house or how much money monthly we could get. I care about my grandpa. Lately the family has been talking and making assumptions about it. I don't care. What also bothers me is when members of my family tell non members of our family about the different things each of my aunt's got and talk about Grandpa's assets. It is non of there business. It should just stay in the family.

Also the assumption of everything should be divided equally. Sorry to burst your bubble but LIFE IS NOT FARE!!!!. The sooner people know that the better off they will be. It has been very weighing on me. It happens all the time with one family member in my immediate family. Things will not ever be equal in this life. Maybe in the next but not this one.

The whole family also, I believe, Is suffering from lack of sleep. Josh worked two overtime shifts this week. Both in a row and both at the end of his week. Thursday night was my Grandpa's viewing, I dropped Josh off at 6:00 am that morning. We car pool when ever we can. I didn't really get a good nap Thursday. I had a dr. appt. at 11:00 and I wrote some memories about grandpa the rest of the day until his viewing. We didn't get done with the viewing until 9:30 and I had to send my remarks to my aunt sue. I also stayed and chatted for a while with my family. I was late to pick up Josh by 25 min and we didn't get home until 11:15.

Friday we had to be at my parents house at 8:30. The funeral was at 11:00. After funeral the burial, luncheon, grandpa's to chat with the davis family(cousins), Flowers to gravesite, Dinner at Apple-bee's and shopping at Walmart for a baby shower gift.That night not home until 12:00.

Saturday less busy. home until 3:30. Then down to my parents. We waited for everyone to get home, had a quick snack and went to the Miss Murray reunion concert at Murray Amphitheater. The concert didn't start until 8 and ended at 10. After we went to Village Inn for dinner. We didn't get home until 1:30.

Grandpa Don

2011-05-30T18:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I found out that my Grandfather Don Miller Wheeler had passed away. My mom and dad went to refill his medication and found him. When I heard I wasn't emotional but when telling the news to my sisters I immediately started to cry. He was such a great man. Always generous and kind. He signed two plots over to Josh and I so we could barry Evie and Allyson. He also said the family prayer at both their funerals. He was doing so well. I thought that after having his Heart Transplant at 75 he wouldn't be around this long. I am astonished at how well he has done. He will be greatly missed by all who knew him. I hope that he knows how much Josh and I are grateful for what he has done for our family. I miss him so much already. He now is with my two daughters, his wife, and his son. Love you and Miss you Grandpa.

His funeral is Friday at 11:00 am.

Adoption

2011-05-16T14:55:00.001-07:00

So I don't know if most of you have heard that Josh and I are contemplating adopting a 6 month CDH baby named Rhett. He is currently in the Ukraine. Josh is positive that we can rase $25,000 to adopt him. Recently we found out that no applicant with a history of depression or anxiety will be allowed to adopt in the Ukraine. We talked to one of the adoption agents and told them our sad history. They said if I could get off my medication after my pregnancy we would be considered to adopt Rhett.

Josh was thrilled. Me on the other hand am not so. I really don't feel like myself when I am off medication. I feel like I can't handle my life, get overwhelmed way easy and start crying over the simplest things. I want to adopt Rhett but also feel a little overwhelmed with the fact that I would have a new born and an 11 month old at the same time. Also I am way worried to get off my medication. I have been on it since Jr. year in High School.

I have had spiritual feelings about adopting Rhett. Josh has too. I am so nervous about telling Josh that I don't want to get off my medication. I don't want to Brake his hart and crush is sole. (I stole that from Tangled) I know that he really wants to adopt but I am scared to tell him.

Rough start to the day!

2011-05-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

Most of you are not aware that Josh and I are thinking about adopting a little boy named Rhett from the Ukraine. He has CDH. Josh and I first started talking about it on Tuesday. My older sister and I took the kids to the Museum of Ancient Life at Thanksgiving Point on Tuesday. As we were leaving Josh called me at work and told me that Rhett was still up for adoption and that he was extremely interested. I told him that we would see if it was possible. I really wasn't thinking that we would really be interested. The fee to adopt him is $25000 and I didn't think we could come up with that much. Then I started talking to my sister about what Josh had said. I started getting chills. Now I don't normally get chills just talking about something and I thought it quite odd. Josh and I have been discussing it this whole weekend.

My concerns. Rhett is 6 months now. By the time we could adopt him he would be 13 months. I am having a new baby and they would be very close. I am worried that I would not have the time to give them the attention they would need. Gracie needs new born attention and Rhett would need attention to settle in a new country and a new family.
Money is also a concern. I don't know if we could get that much. Also we really don't know his medical condition. I don't know if I could handle another case like Ally and a new born at the same time.

Josh is totally interested. When asked how he felt he told me that it wasn't a Want to do it. Its a I have to do it.

So back to the title of this blog. Josh has been emailing an adoption agent and trying to get the adoption process going.
This morning he got a reply back from the agent telling him that no person with a mental problem will be considered for this adoption. He then told me that we couldn't adopt because of my depression. I didn't think I would be as upset as I was. I felt like the reason we couldn't have him was because I was messed uo and not normal. I immediately started to cry. It's all because of me. I'm not fit to be a mom. I felt horrible. Pregnancy hormones. I guess I really do want to adopt this little guy.

Josh then emailed the agent back to explain the situation. he told me that it wasn't quite over to adopt him.

This is so weird. I really want to pray and go to the temple and make sure this is the right thing for us right now. I never thought I would have emotions about this or chills. We will se what happens. Keep you posted.

My 2nd Trip to Labor and Delivery!

2011-04-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

My sister had her baby today. 7 lb 0 oz. 19 inches long. So we were there when she had her. I had fell and strata-led the steps at my other sister's house. I landed on the brace on the back of the steps. I was in some pain and felt a little wet down there. So I called my nurse to ask. She called back and told me to go to Labor and Delivery to have it checked out again. So I did. I called to see if I could go go the Riverton Hospital because I was right there, No they had me drive back to IMC. I was quite bummed because I really wanted to see my new niece. At IMC I got there and hooked up to monitors. They did a test right off to see if I was leaking water. It turned bright blue. The nurse was a little worried and said that I might have punctured my water. I immediately started to cry. It's way to early for my baby. 26 weeks, She wanted to double check and make sure. She called another resident and they did an exam and some tests. My water isn't broken but I did have quite the scare. I am such a klutz.

Moving to our Eagle Mountain Home on May 5th

2011-04-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

yes our rental is finally free on the First. We will be getting the washer and dryer installed on May 3rd (josh's Birthday) Tuesday and moving everything in on May 5th, that Thursday night. We have a family get together the 6,7,8 of May in St. George. We are excited to move but will need some help. If you would like to help we would love that. We will be starting at 5pm on Thursday meeting at my parents house. As all of our stuff is in there garages. Josh will be renting a big U Haul and we will load everything up and take it down to the house. Then we will unload. Josh thinks that it shouldn't take as long as the first move. As we don't have to walk everything down to the truck. Helpers will be much appreciated. Please let me know if you would like to help. YOu can email me at melaniejhensley@gmail.com or call my cell at 801-953-5625. Thanks.

Dora Needs a New Home!

2011-04-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

Sadly we have to find a new home for our cat. She has been a good kitty. Although I haven't liked her much, Josh does and doesn't want to take her to a shelter or the pound. She is about 5 I think and is very well behaved. She is a great lap kitty and doesn't need much time to adapt to new surroundings. She loves to play, is good with kids and dogs. She would be a great addition to any family. We can not take her with us due to rules of the rental we are renting. Alister and Carl will be coming but they are in cages. I hope there is someone out there who will give Dora a loving deserving home that I know she would love. Please feel free to pass this on to neighbors, friends, co-workers, ward members or anyone you think would be interested and let me know. Anyone also can come and meet her. We would be willing to through in her food dish, water dish and litter box to who ever can give her a good home. Thanks for your help.

We are OUT!

2011-04-17T13:02:00.000-07:00

Friday we moved all our stuff to my parents house. We are now living in there basement for 2 weeks. We have to wait until May 1st to move into our rental. The renters in it now need to find some place. We also need to get rid of our cat as a new renters policy has been set. Please pass this info to whom ever you can. I think she is about 5 years old. Very well behaved and is a great lap kitty. She loves to hang out on our bed and outside on our balcony. Josh is very adamant that we don't take her to a shelter. So if you could pass this around your ward, neighbors, work ext. that would be great.

Also anyone who would like to help us move in to our new place is welcome. We might be moving sooner than the 2 weeks just depends on the current renters moving out. We have already paid the deposit and signed the renters documents. Just waiting for the current renters. We hope that it is sooner than later. Josh and I are planning a family reunion with his mediate family on the first weekend of May. We are hoping that we can get in and moved before then.

Please let me know if you are willing to help move us to our new place or if you know of someone who would like to take our cat. My email is melaniejhensley@gmail.com or you can call me on my Cell 801-953-5625.

Great experance on Friday!

2011-04-10T13:03:00.000-07:00

Friday afternoon Josh and I got to meet Randy and Hope Clyde and there family. They are another CDH Family. We met on Facebook and through the CHERUB organization. They live in St. George and we came up for the weekend. We became friends and soul mates. It was so nice to meet other people who have been through the same things we have. There son Tyler and Ally had very similar CDH defects. He was only in the NICU 28 days instead of Ally's 4 month stay. He is referred to "Miracle Tyler" by Dr Null the head of the NICU at Primary's. It was so great to meet this family and share our stories together. So grateful for others that inspire me. Thanks Hope!

My Labor and Delivery Trip Tuesday!

2011-03-31T13:35:00.000-07:00

So Tuesday before my counseling appointment I call and leave a message with my ob nurse about the Braxton hicks and how close they are to each other. After my counseling appointment I get a call from the nurse. I told her what was happening and how Allyson was 6 1/2 weeks early. She was very concerned and told me to go to Labor and Delivery. So I did. Josh's phone was off because he had worked a double the day before so I called a neighbor and asked her to go get him up. I figured he was still sleeping. I got checked in and hooked up to a monitor to monitor the baby's heart beat and another monitor to monitor my contractions. I gave a urine sample and they checked to see if I had a yeast infection or anything else that might be causing the contractions. Results: Perfectly normal. nothing out of the ordinary. They told me that I probably was dehydrated and needed to drink more and that I have a very picky uterus. So glad everything is well. I was hoping that they would put me on bed rest but they didn't. I am going to talk to my doctor on Thursday next week to see if she can right a note to get me to stop working. I have been having really bad panic attacks about my last assignment. I just don't think I have the mental state to do the job right now. Maybe have something to do with loosing Ally and not really having time to greave over it. Got pregnant so soon after. We will see what she has to say. Josh not to thrilled about the trip. But better safe than sorry I think.

My Job!

2011-03-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that I have been on bed rest(more like work release) for the last 2 weeks. I was supposed to return to work tomorrow. I called work to make sure that I was ok to return tomorrow. I was told that I needed a note from my doctor for the bed rest release. The note needed to tell them about any restrictions I need to have with the current condition I am in. YOu may not know that I am now 5 months pregnant. Getting bigger and bigger every day. It is now hard for me to bend over and hard for me to do strenuous things. I called and left a message with the nurses at my doctors office. I got a message today saying that I needed to call them back with info on where to send the note and kind of explain the bed rest thing to them. The two week bed rest came from me being in lots of pain after my ER trip. I am just wondering if I can preform the things I need to in my job now. I have a lot of house work to do. There for on my feet a lot and I have a lot of baths I give to clients which I have to bend to get there feet. I just don't know if I can do this job right now. I have told a temp agency that I would like 5 months of work in a receptionist job or something like that. They said they didn't have anything like that at the moment but would call if they got something.

Condo Sold!

2011-03-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

We officially sold our condo tonight. We were considering doing a buyers financial agreement. The person who wanted the condo couldn't get a loan from the bank due to just changing her work status to self employed. You apparently have to have 2 years at a job to secure a loan. Buyer suggested a buyers financial agreement. Josh and I had no Idea what that was so our Realtors set us up with a lawyer who explained the whole thing. It is basically a rent to own agreement. Buyer would take over the payments and everything else. We would still own the place until buyer could secure a loan and buy the place from us. Both parties would set up one escrow account and the buyer would pay them and they would pay mortgage and HOA etc. We wouldn't be the bad guys. If buyer was late paying the escrow place would call us to let us know and start the eviction process. The buyer was also going to put $20,000 down which was nonrefundable if buy defaulted, Out of that $20,000 we were going to pay off some of our credit, put 2 mortgage payments in the escrow incase of late payments and put a down on our new home.

Yesterday we were informed that the buyer got a cosigner and that they were just going to buy it from us. Great News! None of the uncertainty. There were some things in the contract that we had to fix, but buyers accepted our counter offer and our condo is now sold. So HAPPY!

Now on to house hunting. We have been waking up early this week and driving down to Eagle Mountain and Saratoga Springs Looking for Lease to Own and Rent to Own housing options. Today we looked with our Realtors. They said that we might qualify for a mortgage payment so we might not even have to just look at the Lease or Rent to Owns anymore. Way more options. Hooray!

I feel very blessed. God has a time and place fore everything and I am grateful he has blessed us with this outcome.

After Allyson died our condo never felt like home to us. It was great to have when she was here, great for my Cousins to use after there tragedy, but I guess we don't need to be there any more.

First Condo selling offer in 3 years!

2011-03-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

Today we got an offer on the Condo. We are looking over it tonight. I kind of have mixed feelings. On one hand I am totally thrilled and excited. On the other hand I am just waiting for the bottom to drop out. Have had some really worry some emotions lately. I have been taking a antibotic to clear my urin out and I think it is messing my emotional status up. I have been extreemly sad and depressed. Not really about anything. I have been so erritated to the point that I want to hurt myself to make it stop or others. I have been hearing things lately which is even conserning to my councelor. I heard a random cat Meow on the freeway, Jay Leno in the middle of the night, people talking about me when they haven't really been talking to me and other things. Am I going crazy? Who knows. My councelor told me to talk to my OB next time I see her. I can't seem to be able to handle things that don't go my way. I am pretty sure that my job isn't very fond of me and I am having anciety about going back. My thoughts automatically turn to what the worst possible outcome could be and I am having a hard time thinking positive as of late. I hope I can start to try to think positive and try to get over this opsitcal I have been having.

Its a Girl and I'm on bed rest for 2 weeks.

2011-03-02T13:33:00.000-08:00

Today we had an ultrasound and it is defiantly a little GIRL. There was no question all though Josh says that ultrasound techs have been wrong before. Both the tech and the doctor are 100% sure, although the doctor wants to wait until it is born. Everything else looks great. Gracie Lynn is due July 30th. After my ER trip last Tuesday I have had really saver cramping in my thighs. I mentioned this to my doctor and she told me she was putting me on bed rest for 2 weeks. She didn't want to take any chances. I am kind of relieved. Josh didn't take it to bad. I told my dad and he thought it was ridicules. Oh will I have a doctors note so there. I don't know how I feel about having a girl. I love the clothes and things for them but I really don't want to replace the 2 in heaven I already have. Plus I wanted to go shopping for boy things and I don't know how I feel about letting Gracie use Ally's things. I'm sure Ally wouldn't mind one bit but I don't know how I feel about it. I am ok with it being a girl, i guess. You can't change that I guess. Josh still wants a boy so he told me that my wish had come true. He said that we will have to try again.

Febuary's Employee Of the Month!

2011-02-25T12:24:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I found out that I was the employee of the month. Which I have to say was a great surprise and great way to end this not so good work week. I thought that I wasn't doing a very good job. I was trying my best but didn't really seem like it was paying off and after my ER trip I was for sure that I wasn't on the good list at my job. So what a great surprise this was. I have never been an employee of the month at any of my other jobs. I don't think they had some program for that. So this is my very first time. Employee's of the month get $25(much needed in my house right now), a certificate and a paragraph in the CareMinders Home Care News letter. And what a week it has been. Still not feeling quite back to normal yet. I am having massive thigh cramping that makes it hard to walk and I have been very light headed lately. Today I was trying to sleep in a little and was having breathing problems. Mom says that allergy season is coming early this year. I just would like to get over what ever is going on and get back to the things I need to do without feeling so crappy all the time. Nancy our office manager and several people on Facebook have told me that if it is a Kidney stone and I haven't passed it I might be back in the ER sooner than I think. I wish I had a normal health record. Ear infection- one of the odd cases that won't heal with antibiotics, Not to mention my two very abnormal pregnancies and now this. Sometimes I just want to be normal. But anyway the Employee of the month thing is great. Yea for me!

My ER trip Tuesday!

2011-02-23T18:57:00.000-08:00

After I had massive back and abdomen pain yesterday morning, I went to the ER. After being there 4 hours they couldn't find anything. I finally got morphine 3 hours into it. Baby is fine. I had 2 ultrasounds. One to make sure the baby was fine and the other to check out my kidneys. Doc thinks I had a kidney stone that moved. I didn't have any pain anymore. Josh wasn't to pleased that they couldn't find anything. What was I suppose to do. I was in massive pain and I thought I was going to miscarry. Isn't the ER where you go for things like that?

Remembering Ally today!

2011-02-20T20:13:00.001-08:00

For some stranger reason I started crying in sacrament in the closing song. I left after sacrament not wanting to make a scene. Plus I didn't bring snacks and I knew I wouldn't make it through all of church. I of corse tried to figure out why I started to cry. Ally's birthday isn't until next Sunday. I then thought of the stressful week I had just had. I am still really upset about the fact that some lame person is using Ally's social. I not really liking my job that much and we have no money even though being paid this weekend. I am sick of waiting for pay check to pay check just to survive. Its not like we are not trying to improve our lives. Josh is trying to get better paying jobs and I am trying to work as much as I can. I am so sick of being this way. We have prayed and prayed for help in this area and it never seems like we can rectify the problem. I also miss my Girls soooooo much. After sacrament meeting I went home and bawled. It is so painful. Why can't I just have a year where everything goes right. I'm also off my anti depression medication. I find that when off of it I tend to fly off the handle at any simple thing that happens. I just feel like I can't take any more. Haven't I been through enough in my life?

Social Security and the IRS Fun.

2011-02-19T09:25:00.001-08:00

Thursday after the dr. appointment Josh went to work and filed our taxes. He then called me at 8 to tell me that the IRS wouldn't take it E-file due to my social and my birthday not matching. This has been a problem for the last couple times we have tried to file E-file. My social is my first middle and last name. I find it ridicules because Josh and I have been married almost 9 years and it has never been a problem before. Plus we calmed Ally this year and apparently some one else has used her social. How offal is that. My child is dead and some ass hole thinks its ok to use her social. Sorry about the language but it really makes me mad. Shoot all illegal immigrants. So now we have to send our taxes in and who knows when we will get our refund back? We also have to verify Ally's Identity. The Social Security Administration is going to send letters to the both of us and have us prove that that is her social. Who knows how long that is going to take. I just don't want to deal with it. I am still very upset about her death and now this. So who knows how long this thing is going to take to fix. Lets just say I have had better weeks in the past.

Today's Dr. Appointment

2011-02-17T13:53:00.000-08:00

I'm really quite bummed about the out come of this appointment. Nothing is wrong with the baby. But we couldn't find what it was. we had a very fuzzy ultrasound machine today and the doctor said the wasn't positive but it looked like a girl. I was totally u totally unexpected. I have had thought it was a boy the hole pregnancy. I am having a hard time grasping the fact that it might not be a boy. I was so looking forward to finding out for sure today. This weekend I was going to go shopping for boy stuff and now I have to wait another 2 weeks to find out for sure. March 2nd. It seems forever away. I don't know why I am so bummed today. so stupid. I told myself that I would be totally fine with what ever the sex was as long as it was healthy. Which it seems to be. Why all the disappointment. Maybe I am afraid that if it is a girl I will be replacing Ally. Maybe I feel like Josh won't bond with it as much if it isn't a boy. Why all sad I don't know. Maybe i want to have a boy to see what it is like. To shop for boy stuff. Why am I so upset about this. The baby is healthy that is all that matters. Why the disappointing feelings then. I thought I was going to loose it yesterday. I kept looking at the clock and it would only be 15 min. sense I looked at the clock before. I hate being patients sometimes.

Uber Ultrasound Results!

2011-02-06T17:13:00.000-08:00

Picture shows stomach and heart in different places. Black spot is the stomach.

So friday we had the ultra sound to tell us if the baby has a CDH. Good news! The doctor said that she could see the heart and stomach was in the right places and that they were separated with what looks like a intact diaphram. And that the heart was on one side and the stomach was on the other side. So diagnosis looks normal. If the baby does have a CDH it is a very miner one and they are not able to detect it yet. No news on the gender. Dr. did look long and hard but baby's legs were to close together and due to the time baby didn't want to move them at all. Dr. told us that we will probably for sure know on the next appointment. Next Appointment is on Thursday Feb. 17th. We will deffinatly keep everyone posted. Thanks for your wonderful thoughts and prayers on our behalf. They have helped tremendously.

The Uber Ultrasound will be this Friday!

2011-02-01T13:06:00.000-08:00

That's right this Friday we will be having a massive ultrasound to see if this baby has CDH or not. My mind was very nervous about this before the last ultrasound. It has been a little more at ease after the tech last time was able to look for the stomach and said that it seems to be in the right place and that the diaphragm looks intact. I am a little more comforted but the one thought that comes to my mind is if the diaphragm can detach it self once it is formed. I am pretty sure that it can't but still am a little skeptical. I also haven't been feeling well and haven't been eating normal portions of food on account that I am afraid that I might throw it up. This week has be much better. Last night I did notice that I had lost some weight and started to panic a little. It is also hard to know everything is ok when you can't feel movement from the baby. I should be comforted at my 2 week appointment but this one I am more scared than comforted. it is the CDH ultrasound and I have been in Vegas last weekend. Breathing in second hand smoke everywhere and I felt like I ran a marathon with all the walking we did there. Still very nervous that I am going to lose it any time. I am past my 3 month mark but still think that anything can happen. I even think of some people I know who have had the baby die in there body and carry it and have no idea that it is dead. I hope that isn't what happens. I hope this is a healthy normal pregnancy and everything turns out great.

Moving back to the Condo

2011-01-31T17:01:00.000-08:00

This weekend we are moving back into the condo after 7 months of living in my parent's basement. The Footes are leaving for Portland tomorrow. I kind of have mixed feelings about it. I am kind of glad to be going back but also a little uneasy about it. I will be glad to not have to share the washer and dryer, know where everything is in the kitchen and not get nagged so much if I happen to take a 4 hour nap during the day. Also I have missed my garden tub very much and will be happy to take baths when ever I want and not worry about waking anyone. On the other hand I don't know how it will feel to move back. We haven't been there for 7 months and since Allyson died. Not to mention that Allyson died on the living room floor. I will also have to start cooking ever night again, which I am not very fond of. I hope everything goes well. And hopefully with us dropping another $500 off our asking price, the condo will sell.

The bishop gave a great lesson on Sunday for the combined Relief Society and Priesthood block. He said that we shouldn't say we will be happy when we get a house, our dream job, have 3 kids, ext. We should strive to be happy with what we have now. Maybe we should stop focusing on selling our condo, Maybe for some reason we need to be there. I know that we have needed it for Allyson, and for the Foote's to stay but I don't know now. I wish that we could get some inspiration on it. Like it selling really fast or getting a calling in out word that would need us to be there for a certain amount of time. Something. But I guess we will have to wait some more. It would help us financially if we did sell but it is not extremely necessary to. Guess we will have to play the waiting game yet again.

Las Vegas Girls Trip!

2011-01-25T14:07:00.000-08:00

This weekend my sisters and I went to Las Vegas. We left Friday afternoon and just got home last night (Monday). Friday we checked in to the Bellagio. It was the fanciest hotel room I have ever been in. We ate at the Buffet there the first night and it was fabulous. Saturday we went to the Belle outlet Mall and The Lion King at Mandalay Bay and had dinner at Lopo. A Wolfgang Puck restaurant. Best Salad I have ever eaten and the potatoes on my entree I couldn't stop eating. Sunday we spent the beginning of our day in the Bellagio spa getting massages and just relaxing. Sunday night we went to the Shark Reef at Mandalay Bay. We also got Gelato Ice cream when we returned to the Bellagio. Monday we checked out and went to the Fashion outlets. It was such a fun trip. Thanks to my wonderful mom. I will have pictures posted later.

Baby Update!

2011-01-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

Last Friday Jan 21 I had my 12 week ultrasound. It was kind of a long one because they were checking for Down Syndrome, Trysomi 18 and other things. During the ultrasound I asked the tech if she could find the stomach and let me know if it was in the right place. For those of you who don't know that is how we found out that Allyson had CDH because her heart and stomach was next to each other. The tech looked and told me that it looked like it was in the right place. She also looked at the diaphragm, knowing my history and said that it looked intact. I don't want to get my hopes up but I was so relieved. I don't know if the diaphragm could detach at anytime, but I reassured myself that Evie's and Ally's diaphragm didn't detach it was developed that way. My Dr. is going to do a full very long ultrasound on Feb. 9th to make sure. Also I got some pictures at the ultrasound again. One of between the legs. I am positive I can see something between them. The tech told me that she couldn't see the sex. I think that we will be able to see at the next appointment. My sister Camille says that she is going to laugh when it is a girl instead of a boy, because we totally think that it is a boy. Josh is positive it is a boy and has never been wrong with knowing the sex of the girls. I think it is a boy just because the pregnancy has been so different from my girls. I haven't really had morning sickness (minus 3 times before the Vegas Trip we went on when I threw up 3 times in the car on the way home. Plus I haven't felt pregnant all but the being totally tired all the time. I will keep everyone posted. Thanks for all the kind thoughts and prayers. They are greatly appreciated.

Thoughts and feelings on the pregnancy!

2011-01-20T14:27:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to my councilor about things. When the question of If the baby has the same thing what will I do? I told her I don't like to think about it. I get teary even thinking about it. I don't know if I would terminate the pregnancy or not. I keep telling her and myself that if I should have another CDH baby I would probably have to be institutionalized for the rest of my life. But I've said that with Allyson too. Would God really make me go through it again? I have a very hard time taking to him about it. I feel that I bother him with it. I have decided that he knows my thoughts even before I think them. I feel like I am waisting his time every time I ask him for a healthy baby, for are condo to sell, and help with finances. I have asked him so many times for these things I feel like he knows already. I told my mom that I wasn't praying anymore because of this. She said that instead of praying for blessings. Give a prayer of thanks for all the blessings I do have. So for the last week I have been doing that. It is hard when you are in the mind set of asking for things you need to change to thanks and I have to stop myself during some prayers and rethink wording but at least I can thank Him for things and not think of what I really have no control over. He knows me. He knows my wants, my needs, my desires. He knows what I can and cannot handle and sometimes in life you have to leave it up to him.

Sick of Being Sick!

2011-01-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

Well Sunday I stayed home from church because of a sore throat. Little did I know that it would turn into something worse. Sunday night I was throwing up mucus. I called into work extremely early on Monday. I went up stars to eat something at about 8 and the first thing my mom says is "I hope they don't fire you." No I'm sorry you don't feel well. No compassion, no sympathy and no believing that I am really truly sick. My I say that I have never wanted to move back to my condo so bad in my life after that. We both calmed down. It was a holiday Monday and my dad was off. My sister Amanda was working at Olive Garden in American Fork and my mom and dad invited everyone to go there for a late lunch. I decided to go. Big mistake. I threw up everything but ice cream at the restaurant. Tuesday wasn't that great. I did see one of my clients but got way tired just sweeping the floor. I also felt bad that I had to keep blowing my nose because it was dripping like a Faucet. I finally decided to call the pregnancy risk line and ask what I could possibly take to help me feel a little better. They asked me what I would take if I wasn't pregnant. I told them I would take Niquil. I was surprised with there answer. They told me that I could take it. I wasn't quite sure I should. I had called them once and asked for my sister Camille's nausea what to take and they said Vitamin B12 and Unisom. Camille called and they told her Vitamin B6 and Unisom. I was very confused and called to clarify. I don't want to heart the baby but I needed something to help. I then called both my sisters who said if they said it was ok then it's ok. To be double sure I called my cousin Tami to make sure and she told me that they are the best. So I took it Tuesday and Wednesday night. I am feeling tremendously better. Although still very scared that I hurt the baby. Haven't had any pain or bleeding though. Good sign. Now if I can just get the congestion out of my ears and get rid of my horrible cough I will be in business.

End of December to Present I have had 2 sore throat episodes, 1 massive cold, and 2 ear infections. I was asked at work today if I got a Flu Shot. and I did. so shouldn't this prevent some things? Maybe yet again I am one of those rare cases. Boy I wish I could just be a normal case.

Baby #3 is on its way!

2011-01-06T19:06:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving Josh and I found out that we were pregnant with our 3rd. We are way excited but a little nervous as you may have guessed. The week after thanks giving I started spotting. I went in for un ultra sound but all they could see was the sack. Scared out of my mind I said a prayer. I told Heavenly Father if I was suppose to lose it then let me lose it fast so I can start over. If I wasn't suppose to lose it I told him to please stop the bleeding. The next day I stopped bleeding. The next few weeks I started to freak out. I had heard stories from friends that there baby had died but they didn't miss carry and had to have a D and C. I was worried that would happen to me. I have been in counseling for a while and I told this to my therapist. I also learned that anti depressants can give babies pulmonary hyper tension in there heart and I didn't want to take any chances with this baby. I am drug free for 2 months. I can't say it has been easy. I have had a lot of emotional spats the last couple of weeks, but I have been ok so far with out them. In one of my counseling appointments I told my therapist all my concerns, my fears with this pregnancy. She told me that worrying about these things wasn't a great way to help the baby. Really Josh has been saying this for a long time. I had been crying and begging Heavenly Father for a healthy child. After that appointment I prayed and told Heavenly Father that it was in his hands. I told him my desires and that I would leave it up to him. He really knows what is best for me and knows me. I have felt a lot better now that I said that prayer. The only thing I can do is take care of me. Eat right and get enough sleep. I can't control the out come. I just hope that God know that I really don't think that I can burry another child. Don't get me wrong I still have a little anxiety now and then but I think it is a lot better.

The last week of the year I had a way bad panic attack. My first OB Doctors appointment was the 20th of December. They did an ultra sound. Not much to see but a blob. I was 8 weeks and 2 days along at that appointment. Dr. told me the baby is due July 30th. She also said that if we had a 3rd CDH baby we would be famous. It has never happened before. I don't know weather that is good News or bad. So the panic attack started over this. Josh and I have been praying for financial help for what seems for forever. So this popped into my head and I started to freak out. What if Heavenly Father to help us with this financial help let this baby be a CDH baby. We would then be rich and famous. I then started to cry. I don't want to be rich and famous. I want to have a baby. Things like this just pop into my head. Kind of random. I told my mom and she told me that I was insane. Josh told me that I have to think of the most horrible thing and that is what is going to happen. It's true. This is how I think. Pretty messed up right. So I told my therapist and she told me some good ways to try to get my mind out of what I am thinking.

Josh is positive that this baby is a boy. He has never been wrong before with our children. If it is a boy his name will be Jaxson Lee Spencer Hensley. If it is a girl her name will be Rainee Faye Hensley. We will have to see. I kind of hope it is a boy. Maybe my boys won't have CDH. As of right now I am 10 weeks. I have another ultra sound on the 21 and the 14 week appointment is going to be the big one. It will probably be the one where we find out if the baby has CDH or not. So keep us in your prayers. I don't really care what it is just as long as it is healthy. I'll keep everyone posted. Just know that I will be having an ultra sound every 2 weeks. Oh and our nick name for the baby is Monkey. I took one look at the ultra sound today and said that it looks like a Monkey. Josh agreed and we have been laughing about it and singing the Monkey song from The Drowsy Chaperone all day. Hope our little monkey is healthy.

This Year needs to be over!

2010-12-29T18:07:00.000-08:00

This week has been a nightmare. Sunday night I had a panic attack. Josh told me that we haven't paid off any of are credit cards this year. Then I got this insane thought it my head. We have been praying for some help with finances for a while now. We also where told that if we had a 3rd CDH baby that we would be the only ones in the world to have a 3rd. It has never happened ever. We would be famous. My mind then thought that if we did have a 3rd with CDH we would be famous and rich. Maybe this was the answer to our prayers. I then started to cry. I want a baby not to be rich an famous. Is God going to bless us with one thing and take away the other. I also have been sick for the last 2 weeks and am getting very annoyed that I can't hear out of my ears. I kind of lost it on Sunday night and had a panic attack.

Monday morning I got ready to go to work and my car wouldn't start. Josh was still asleep and I didn't want to wake him up to tell him. I also tried to call his cell but he had turned it off for the night. I took his car to my clients and asked my dad who was still home to run down stairs and let him know. Luckily my mom didn't have to work and he could take her car to work. I called Nissan and made an appointment to get it fixed on Tuesday morning. I also went to the doctor to see if I could do something to fix my hearing. I don't have an ear infection. Just clogged ears and I just have to wait it out. It sucks. I am one of the rare cases that this happens to. Can't I be a normal case for once?

I went walking Tuesday morning with my parents and asked dad if he could help me jump start my car so I could take it in. Josh worked over night and I didn't want to wake him up to help. My dad said he would and when he got ready for work we went out to jump start the car. It wouldn't start or even turn over. So then we called a tow truck and waited for him to come. I was suppose to go to a concealing appointment Tuesday morning at 9 and I had to cancel because of the car fiasco. The tow truck got there and I took Josh's car to the dealer so I could get back home. The tow truck followed and we where able to get the car in. I got a call later while I was tending my sisters kids about what had happened and why we couldn't get it to start. The service engine soon light had been one since August but Josh and I didn't have the money to fix it until now. Apparently the car had been flooded with some fluid, had a broken crank shaft, needed a new battery, an oil change, and had a crack in one of the engine mounts. Damages for the car costed $720 and an extra $350 for the mount fix. Luckily my dad was a life saver and paid for the mount fix. Josh was not very happy. Money is very tight right now and I might be getting a second job soon. We got the car back Tuesday night and everything is working great.

Wednesday after paying some medical bills Josh calls me and tells me that I need to go to the bank and get all new accounts and ATM cards. Are accounts where blocked today due to some fraudulent charges. Josh said that everything looked fine on our online statement. I went to the bank to get the new things and found out that someone was trying to collect more than they were allowed to and that is why they put a hold on our accounts. After spending an hour on fixing everything it finally worked out.

Tonight I was suppose to have a CNA client. I got to the clients house and was first told that I was early. Then realizing that I wasn't the right CNA the client's son told me that another CNA was coming and that I wasn't needed tonight. Very confused I left and drove home. I then called my work and told them what had happened. They told me that they apparently double booked the client. I then asked if it was just for tonight or if I had been replaced. The owner I was talking to wasn't sure but told me that he would find out ether tonight or first thing tomorrow and call me and let me know. I haven't seen this client in 2 weeks because I was sick. Last week I had a doctor's note. I think it is a little ridiculous that I get punished when I am legitimately sick at my job. People get sick! I don't think they want us to go to the client, make them sick and die and have the company sued for wrongful death. Call me Crazy! I am not getting along with this new Office Manager the company just hired. She is not very nice and seems extremely mad when you call in sick or anything. Get over it. People get sick and there isn't really anything that they can do about it. Please let this year be over and fast. I can't deal with any more insanity.

Ally's Song

2010-12-14T20:02:00.001-08:00

Tonight I played Ally's Song for the Relief Society Christmas Party. I kind of need to still work on it and I need to put it to paper. I still haven't finally completed Evie's song on paper and I wrote it 3 years ago. I'm almost done putting hers on paper. But I just finished Allyson's. So far my collection of compositions are for passed people. I wrote my first one for my nephew Benjamin Charles Fletcher who was stillborn in December 2006. I wrote Evie's Song in 2007 before her birth in June. I then wrote my cousin's baby Ruby a song. She was still born in September 2007. Ally's song I finally wrote from a song that I made up previously for one of my friends two days ago and my first performance was tonight. All in all I thought it went great. The ending needs some work. I wish I could put it on my blog so everyone could hear them. I was told today that when playing you could picture my Ally dancing around. I hope that is what each of them do when I play there songs.

My Crazy Day!

2010-12-07T18:32:00.000-08:00

Today didn't really go the way I planed. First I had a meeting with my job @ 3:20 this afternoon. Manda needed me to tend today and assured me that she would be home @ 3:00 so I could get there on time. She couldn't get anyone to take her tables so I drove the kids to her. Trying to get everyone in the car and buckled, I locked my keys in the car. Kids and All. Luckily I got Kia to open the door for me. We then left the driveway at 3:15. I called my job to tell them I would be late. So I drop the kids off with Manda, drive to work and park. Trying to get there as fast as I can. I step on to some dirt. Thinking it is not mud. I was wrong. Right foot sank and part of the left too. I'm already late. I ran up stairs to the bathroom to wash them off. Then I finally get to the meeting which is practically over. What a day. Was also planing on going to the basket ball game tonight. But my dad thinking that I wouldn't be home in time asked someone else to go. So I am home alone and trying to figure out what to eat. Hope everyone else had a great day. And hoping mine goes better tomorrow.

Cherub tree!

2010-12-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

I think the tree turned out quite will for only having 3 weeks to finish it. the festival of trees runs November 30 to December 4, 2010 at the South Towne Expo Center. 9575 South State Street Sandy Utah 84070. Come and see. All proceeds earned go to Primary Children's Medical Center. Our tree is on B308.

November!

2010-11-28T10:49:00.000-08:00

I have been extremely blessed this month. I have a great new job. Our house is on the market and we have interest in it. I feel so blessed this November and want to give thanks to my Heavenly father for all the great blessings I have received. I have no doubt that he blesses us at the best time for us. I love him with all of my heart.

2010-11-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

This is my thumb today 11-21-10

This is my thumb 10-17-10

I think I might lose my thumb nail. :(
No fun.

My New Job!

2010-11-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

Today was orientation for CareMinders Home Care. I am officially a CNA for this company. They are a new company that actually started in April of this year. They are a company that takes care of people needing CNA's to help them at there home. The company takes care of those who come out of rehab have been on some other Home Care company for 60-90 days and can not have anymore care from these other Home Care companies due to Medicaid and Medicare rules. Our company is A private company not covered by medicare or Medicaid. The company matches each client to a CNA by different likes and dislikes. The best thing about it is the RN actually introduces you to the client instead of the CNA just showing up. I'm really really excited about it. I can't wait to start helping the elderly. I can't start actually working until I get my TB test results back to CareMinders. I was given the test today and you have to wait at least 48 hours for the result. I probably won't actually start working until next week. I am really excited to get to know the clients and come up with ways to help improve there lives. Check out CareMinders at www.careminders.com.

Festival of Trees 2010!

2010-11-15T17:35:00.000-08:00

Josh and I just recently found CHERUBS which is a charity that is directly for CDH Awareness and Research. Josh is so happy to find them and has been brainstorming Ideas to get the word out and do fundraisers in the West part of the US. The East part of the US does tons. Josh and I want to do a Masquerade Ball in the spring and a Snowman Making contest this winter. More Information will hopefully come on this. Josh has never been so excited about anything before. He calls me 3 times a day just to tell me his brainstorming ideas. I think it is fantastic. Not a a lot of people know what CDH is and there is much money need to find out how to prevent. CDH is what Josh and I call the most deadliest birth defect no one has herd of. It is more common then Cerebral Palsy and spinabyffida. And yet know one knows about it. it has a 50% infant mortality rate. 2500 babies are diagnosed each year. Josh and I are a very rare case. Out of the 2500 babies there is only a 2% chance of having it happen again. I haven't met anyone with 2 fatalities yet. But I have met some families who have had it twice. Most of them have had one that has passed away from CDH and one who is a Survivor. Most also have other normal children as well. Josh and I are so thrilled to have found the CHERUBS organization. There a support group for grieving parents, expectant parents, grandparents, and survivors. It is just great to know that there is other people out there that understand what you are going through and have been there too.

Anyway. We met the head of CHERUBS Dawn on line the other week. We told her that we wanted to be involved as much as we can. We are both one of the reps for Utah now. Josh got the great idea to do a Tree for the Festival of trees this year using the CHERUBS as a sponsor. We asked Dawn it that would be ok. Dawn loved the idea and gave us permission. She also told Josh that she had purchased all these cherub ornaments and didn't know what she was going to do with them. She said that she must have been inspired to get them because we needed them for the tree. Josh and I have received some great decorations for the tree. Today my mom and I went to Modern Display. We found some of my favorite things so far. A Statue and 3 Cherub ornaments. I want to keep them. So excited for decorating day on Nov. 29. Please let me know if you would like to donate to the tree.

CDH Awareness Ribbons

2010-11-14T23:10:00.001-08:00

Just got these via email today. One for each of my girls. I'm thinking of making them into car magnets.

Conserns!

2010-11-13T11:14:00.000-08:00

I have several concerns in my life right now.

1. Condo not selling
Is it not suppose to? We have now lowered the price to $500 more than we bought it for. We have tried everything. Realtors, KSL. We've repainted, put in new floors and tile, new baseboards, taken everything off the walls, moved tones of things to my parents and storage and still it won't sell. I understand that we needed it for Ally and for my cousin to use but is it or is it not ever going to sell?

2. CNA Job, Regular Job or Volunteer. Am I suppose to be a CNA or not? The schooling Idea just fell into my lap so I thought this is what I am supposed to do right? I have been looking hard for a Job for two months now and nothing, I've certified and looked everywhere. Am I going in the right direction? I have done all I can do. Josh is not going to be able to get overtime very soon and we need the money so should I get a regular job just to help pay the bills? Or should I continue to try getting a CNA job? Or should I volunteer my time and get experience in the CNA field so that I can get a CNA Job? What?

3. I don't know if I am ever going to get pregnant. Josh and I have been trying and it has never been this hard to conceive. Am I supposed to be a mom or not? Am I supposed to adopt? We can't afford to adopt and no one is going to let us if we live in my parents basement. Don't really want to foster because they can take the child away at any time. My life dream of being a mother is going down the drain. Oh and if we do get pregnant again is it just going to die on us? I hope and pray that I don't have another child die. I am not handling it well at all and I do think if I had another die that would be the end. I couldn't take it. But I said that before and look what happened. God please send me a healthy on next time.

I'm so confused. I have tired everything. Reading the scriptures, praying. going to the temple and still I can't get any inspiration on any one of my concerns. God Can You Hear Me? Are You Listening? I don't know what to do. And it seems like there is nothing to look forward to in my life.

Mom and Dad's Welcome Home Surprise!!!

2010-10-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

My parents have been on a cruse of Europe for the last 2 weeks. They just got home tonight. Josh and I decided to paint one wall of there basement red and black so my dad could put all of his Utah Ute's Stuff somewhere. It turned out better than I thought it would. We worked really hard on it and they absolutely loved everything we did. I'm so glad. We had mentioned it to my dad a while ago, but we never told my mom. They both thought it was Awesome. We had a hard time painting because the first paint we bought was from Walmart. FYI NEVER buy Paint from Walmart. We had to get to pints of from Home Depot just to cover up the bad paint. The shelves we got from Ikea for $5 each. And instead of paying $50 for a wall mount we got one at Ikea for $20(the last one in the store). We printed off some pictures of the Sugar Bowl that My dad and his sons in law all got to go to last year. All in All I think it turned out great. Go UTES!!

My bad Night!

2010-10-21T19:37:00.000-07:00

Last night was really bad. Josh worked graveyard and I wasn't ok. I don't think that I have cried that hard before. I was seriously suicidal. I cut an scratched my wrists. I have never wanted to die so much before. I called my sister at 1 and told her what was happening. I feel like nothing is going to get better. I'm trying to make things happen and nothing is. I was way depressed about getting a job. It just makes me feel hopeless. Job hunting always makes me feel like i'm not good enough. I missed my girls so much I just wanted to be with them. To see them on earth. My sister told me get some Tylenol PM and take it and go to bed. She said that I should take only 2. I took 4. I was going to take more but I chickened out. I had a talk with my counselor. Her 25 daughter committed suicide last year around this time. I shouldn't have asked this question but I did. I asked her if she thought her daughter was in spirit paradise. She told me that she wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her daughter had been drinking and had a really high alcohol level. She didn't drink before.

This made me think in a way that I shouldn't. Maybe if I got drunk and committed suicide that I could see my girls again? Then it wouldn't be my fault. But knowing my luck it would back fire on me. Nothing is worth living for. Josh maybe but he would find someone else that is better than me. I just wish that God would take me in my sleep and I have prayed allot for that. I can't take it anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.

Sleeping Medication!

2010-10-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

I started taking some sleeping medication about a month after Ally died. I couldn't stop thinking and reliving the day she died. I went to the doctor for help and he proscribed Seriqul. I'm not taking that much and I want to stop but it seems when I stop taking it I can't fall asleep at all. I toss and turn all night and then I wake up at ridiculous hours of the morning like 3:30 and 5. When I do take my medication I usually don't get up until 11. Can't there be a medium. I'm only taking a half of a 50 mg. Josh bought some thing to help you not snore but all it does is make it a little less it doesn't cure his snoring. I don't want to wake him but I can't sleep at all. I feel bad because he has to work early but what about me. I can't sleep ether. What do I do? I wish I could have that anxiety pill my doctor gave me when I was pregnant with Ally. I was always panicking and I needed something to make me feel ok. The stuff the doctor gave me was awesome. I took it and immediately I couldn't feel any of my emotions. I wasn't happy, sad, scared or anything. The bad thing is that it also made you sleepy. What I wouldn't give for some of those meds now. Maybe I can call my old doctor and see if she would prescribe some more to me. Could I be becoming a druggy? I just need some kind of help to get me through this and I don't think cutting is the best. Although it has crossed my mind a couple of times.

OUCH!

2010-10-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

Thursday I was backing my Dad's car out of the garage when i hit Josh's car that was on the curb. I cracked his back light and made a dent in my Dad's car. I was going visiting teaching and I felt terrible the whole time. I emailed my mom and dad and told them that I was sorry and I would help pay for it. I hope they got the email. They are on a cruse in Europe so I have no Idea if they did or not. It did make me feel a little better about it. I don't think I could have lived with the guilt for the next to weeks. Josh was not happy as usual and I was surprised when he got home from work he didn't chew me out. I didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident. My Dad's car didn't look that bad so I thought that I could pop the dent out with a hammer. Nope and I managed to hit my thumb with the hammer instead. OUCH! For both cars and me. My thumb still hurts and I did this Thursday Night. Serves me right I guess. I hope I won't have to go to the doctor and get it drained out. The thing that makes me mad is Josh happened to tell my bother in law and he won't stop making fun of me. Plus everyone at his work. I also have made a vow never to drive anyones car. Of course I will have to take my dad's car to pick them up from the airport. Now when anyone drives my dad's car I get way nervous. Josh has driven it all this weekend me with him and I am super scared that we will hurt the car again.

Emotions All Messed Up!

2010-10-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

Allyson's death has really affected my emotions. I am numb. Before Ally died I was so compassionate. I felt terrible when I heard of infant losses, sick, or fatal diagnosis. Lately I have had no compassion. My sister's neighbor last there daughter to drowning. My reaction was they can get though it I had to to. So! It's happened before. Who says those Kind of things? A couple of weeks ago my grandpa's skin cancer came back on his head. He has had a struggle with it because of his anti rejection medication for his heart transplant. My my mom told me that the doctor said that this was going to be the last time that they can do surgery because the cancer had started to wrap around his nerves in his head. Instead of being horrified and sad my reaction was, Well I guess it is his time to go. No compassion. I feel like I am going to insult him when I see him so I don't talk to him when I see him. My emotions are backwards. I also have a hard time telling how I feel. I just try not to make any thoughts on my feelings. I used to be able to have feelings telling me if something was going to be good or bad. Now I can't even feel the spirit sometimes. I just want me back. I want to be compassionate. I want the feelings I had before back. I was never this way when Evie. I always was so sad when ever i heard someone lost a baby or was having a hard time. Now my reaction is I'll trade your life for mine. Tonight my brother in law, my sister, Josh and I were talking about what would be the worst thing in the world to happen to our children. My brother in law said that he would take his kid being gay, knowing up some girl or have his girl get pregnant, be on drugs, drink, go to prison, anything else but have them die before he did. I've lived through it. I think I would like the same thing. I hate this. I want me back! I'm shell shocked. And I don't think that Counseling can help me. I hope it can but so far it's not doing anything. I don't get any suggestions except exercise and get out during the day. No suggestions on how to fix it. Of course I have only been twice but don't you think it should be helping a little? I already done this picking up the pieces of my broken life with Evie. I don't want to do it again. What am I supposed to learn? I thought I already learned everything. Josh and I were talking about agreeing to the trials before we came to earth. It made more sense to me if I agreed to these two trials without knowing what I was getting into. Josh says that we new everything that we were doing. We had knowledge of everything. I wish I had that now. And where is the great blessings that I am supposed to get after something like this? I have been waiting. Like getting a great job, Selling our condo, or getting pregnant with twins. I'm drowning and can't get to the surface. I'm never going to have anything happen that is really good happen to me? I hate life. It never gets better!

Listen to Josh and Melanie

2010-10-13T12:42:00.001-07:00

No Pregnancy!

2010-10-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

Went to the doctor today. Doctor took urine sample. The didn't tell me what is was at the doctor's. The nurse sent me home because the lab was backed up. She said that she would have the doctor call me. So an hour later I got the answer that I am totally normal. Doctor says its some random virus. Lucky me. I am really disappointed. I thought this was the start of a new good thing in my life. But yet again a disappointment. I am so sick of life. It never gets better. You think it will and it gets worse and worse. What am I suppose to do to learn? I can't take it anymore. why live it nothing ever gets better? I can't tell if what is going to happen will be good or bad. I can't react the way I want to anymore. I can't be happy for good things and I am so bitter about everything bad. I don't have any compassion anymore. I hear that my my grandpa might die. My reaction is guess it's just his time. I'm not one bit sad. Am I losing my mind. I'm should to be so sad. I don't care. I am losing who I am. I don't what to be someone who doesn't care. I want to be compassionate. I want to care about things but I don't. I feel like I am losing who i am. I'm losing me.

Sleeping pills or Pregnancy? #2

2010-10-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

Well I called the doctor and he still hasn't gotten back to me. I then called the pharmacist to see if they could tell me anything. The pharmacist asked me what dosage I was on. I told him I was only taking a half of a 50 mg tablet. He told me that is one of the side affects but said that I shouldn't be affected by it because I was taking such a small amount. Even if it was a side affect it wouldn't have been going for four days strait. Who can solve the mystery? I have never had the stomach flu for more than a day or two. Get this. I got some Sprite and Starbursts because that seems to be the only thing that calms my stomach. I also decided to get some prenatal vitamins. Josh and I have been trying with no luck yet. When I cam home and took the prenatal vitamin I felt a little better weird. I could be pregnant but nausea is the only sign so far. That and I am way tired. I was never this sick with my girls. Who knows what it is. Food doesn't even make me feel better and that is weird.

Sleeping Pills or Pregnancy?

2010-10-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

I have been really really Nauseous sense Friday last week. I didn't take my sleeping pills to try to get off of them on Wednesday and Thursday night. Friday I was so nauseous that I was not going to go to the temple. I did and we ate a the cafeteria. After downing a glass of Sprite and eating a little I felt much better. Another weird thing is that I haven't been eating as much as I have been before. I don't finish anything. I love food but now I don't eat very much. t could be a bug of some kind too but I have never been this sick with the flu. I think it might be that I'm pregnant. Or at least I hope so. I was never this sick with my past pregnancies so I am hoping it is twins, But life never seems to turn out the way I would like it to. So I am probably wrong. I'm probably the only person I know who actually would want twins. I called the doctor today to see if it could be the medication. I'm hoping that that is not one of the side affects. But then it could also be a bug. But I have never had the stomach flu for this long. Who knows what it is. But I would really like to feel like I can at least do something everyday. I don't feel good when I stand Up.
My mom says that this wouldn't be the best time for me to get pregnant. I feel that any time would be good. Yes I am very scared about what happened to the last two but Josh and I have a good feeling about this next one. So basically I am going on Josh's feelings. Mine are very very messed up as of this time. I hope that twins is what God has in store for us. That would be a great blessing after loosing both. But Who knows What he is going to do.

Trying to get a job!

2010-10-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

I feel very frustrated. I have applied for 8 jobs and I keep getting told that I don't have any experience. How am I suppose to get a experience if no one will hire you if you don't have experience. It was the same way when I tried to get hired in the floral industry. I am so frustrated. I think I do have a little more experience than most other candidates do but apparently not.

Counseling

2010-09-28T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today I had my first counseliing appointment. It went great. It was really just an assessment. I did learn that it is ok to talk to complete strangers about your losses. It is how you cope with it. So talking to that random girl at Lion King was ok. By the way Lion King was awesome. We started talking with the couple we were next to by telling them the football scores(Josh). I found out that thewoman worked for University of Utah Hospital. I told her that I recently passed my CNA certification and was intrested in applying there. I also told her that I had my daughters there bacause of primary's next door. She then asked if my daughters were still with me to which I said no. Josh then turned to me and told me that what I said was inapropriate. I asked my counselor what she though and she said that it wasn't. So I don't have to worry about if I talk about it in public. That is how I am coping with it. So my family is sick of hearing about it. So I am now going to talk to my friends about it. So you might get a random phone call from me. Just to let you know all I want you to do is listen. You don't need to fix anything. Just listen and tell me everything is ok. And if I happen to come over. Hugs are greatly apprechiated. Thanks so much to the ladies in my ward for listening and great hugs. Love you all.

I am Offically a Nursing Assistant!

2010-09-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

The mail came late yesterday and I have been waiting ti see if I got my letter for the written test. Amanda came over and was leaving when the mail finally came. Instead of a letter I got a packet which I knew was good news. Amanda didn't leave until I opened it. I opened it and It was my Nursing Assistant's Certificate. My mom, Amanda, and I all started to Jump up and down and Screaming. The neighbors I'm sure were wondering what was going on, I can now say that life is better.

Listen to Josh and Melanie

2010-09-21T18:57:00.001-07:00

Passed Skills and took Written test

2010-09-14T13:27:00.000-07:00

I called one of my instructors and asked how I could find out about my Skills State test. I still haven't been mailed my results. She called me back and told me that I had PASSED my Skills test and told me who to call to have them send me the results. I called them and they are going to send me a copy. But I am so thrilled that the Skills teat is over and I PASSED.

As for the Written State test, I took that this morning. I was way worried about the Skills test and didn't really think that the Written test would not be that hart. I found our the oposit. I thought it was tough. I think I did ok. It was hard because they had two answers that could work. They tried to trick you. I hope I passed. It only took a 1/2 an hour. Please Please Heavenly Father. Help me pass.

P.S. Heavenly Father. Thank you so much for your help passing the Skills test. I am so Grateful. I was so Thrilled to hear the news.

Car window smashed!

2010-09-12T08:56:00.000-07:00

Last night someone broke into our car by smashing the front passenger side window. 200 CDs were taken. About 2400 in value. We have no money to pay deductible for a new window. Guess we won't be driving that car for a while. It did have the service engine soon light on. This just sucks. I am still looking for something really good to happen. Yes there have been little things that have been good but they are hard to find when you lose your second daughter. Life keeps telling me that its horrible and makes me want to go home to heaven even more. Josh told me a couple of days ago about how we agreed before we came down to earth on what trials we would face. Which to me makes me think that I was tricked sometimes. But then he fallowed saying that we chose those trials because we knew that we would get tremendous blessings after. I hope this to be true. I hope that I will get tremendous blessings from losing my girls. I just hope I just signed up for two babies dying. I think that is quite enough for me to handle. I really thought one was enough. I guess God thought that I could handle another one. Please don't send me anymore. Love you but I think I've had enough.

The Dream

2010-09-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been Having one reoccurring dream. It is really an offal dream. But to me it is I feel the only way I can see Ally again. I dream that Ally didn't die. She came back from the dead. And no matter what I do I can't help her. In my dream she alway hasn't been taken care of. She hasn't been fed. She hasn't had her diaper changed. For 2 weeks. I am holding her and I can't ever seem to find formula, diapers, bottles, an pjs at any store. The more and more time I take Ally gets worse and worse. Josh and I keep on driving and driving and never get to where we can buy things to help her. But I never can get to a place or find things to help her. I'm desperate. But I think that if I pray not to have these dreams I'll never see her again. But it is so offal to dream this over and over again. What should I do?

Everything seems to set me off!

2010-08-31T12:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my mom, Amanda, all her kids and I dropped off the Little Miss Murray Art contest application's and posters. For those of you who don't know what that is I will explain. Each year before the Miss Murray pageant, We have a drawing contest for elementary school girls ages 7-9. The winner of the contest gets to be the Little Murray princess. She gets to be in the City parades, gets a crown and dress and accompanies Miss Murray to Miss Utah and any other times Miss Murray wants her with her. Little Miss Murray started in 2005 when Camille won Miss Murray. Anyway, We delivered the applications to the elementary schools yesterday. I was the one to drop them off at the schools. I didn't think that it would effect me in the way it did. App-on going to the first school I was walking it to the office and remembered Ally. I would never get to hold her had when she went to her first day at school. She would never get to go to school. I would never get to pick her up from school. I became very sad for this. I then thought that she would never be able to be Little Miss Murray. How incredibly sad. I kept it to myself the whole day but lost it when my dad asked me what I had done that day. Stupid things just set me off. Josh and I were talking the other night about people who don't want to spend time with there children. People that think there children are a burden. Josh said that he would give anything to see Ally and Evie again. So would I. I then started to cry. Thursday to weeks ago My friends took me out to Leatherby's for my birthday. After eating delicious Ice Cream some of us stayed outside and talked for a while. Al woman pulled up in her car right next to us in a handicapped stall. She had a little girl in the same car seat Ally had. I lost it and started to cry. She then was complaining about the baby wining. Why? babies cry and wine. It just made me mad. Oh how I miss Ally so much.

The temple!

2010-08-26T13:37:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to the temple with my mom and dad. This time was a lot better than on Friday for some reason. I felt extremely blessed. I was very nervous the whole session. Which was weird. Not a bad nervous be a good. I sat in the Celestial room for a while and honestly felt Heavenly father listen to what I said and talk back to me in my mind. During the video I couldn't help but smile through the whole thing. Seeing it made me think that I am truly blessed. The earth is so beautiful and Heavenly Father and Jesus truly love me and are aware of my difficulties. I finally had the sense of peace that I have been longing for. We are so blessed to have temples. I am so blessed to be sealed to a wonderful husband and to be able to see my beautiful girls again.

When it rains IT POURS!!!

2010-08-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been especially hard for me. Our family spent the weekend up at my grandpa's cabin. We sang happy birthday to me and all the grand kid were so excited to blow out the candles. On friday afternoon Josh and I went to the Mount Timpanogas temple. I was hoping to receive some inspiration and feel a little better. I felt nothing. I was just the way I was before I went. Can't I get any inspiration. I didn't even cry. I was hoping for something. But nothing came. At the cabin I seemed to be lost. I miss my baby's so much. Ally would have loved every minute. Also Josh and I weren't getting along that great. We didn't seem to have anything nice to say to each other. We got home on Sunday night. My mom then told me that the Adoption papers and info I had requested from LDS Family Services had arrived. I opened it and read. Apparently you have to pay a $1,000 application fee to even be considered for adoption. How are Josh and I supposed to come up with that kind of money? We can't even pay the bills know. I felt hopeless. I'm never going to be a mom again. That really sucks! So my one hope is crushed to pieces. On monday Josh had asked me to do some errands. Pay HOA and Line of Credit. Thursday was my birthday and after having a great time at Leatherby's with my friends, I started my car only to find that the service engine soon light had come on. What a great birthday present. I told Josh when I came home. We didn't really worry about it since it had happened so many times before. So I'm out at America First paying the Line of credit and my car dies. How crappy is that. Luckily it started up with some effort. It was fine the whole rest a the day. I made the HOA payment and then I decided to take a trip to the Nissan Dealership to see if it had a warranty for repairs. It hasn't even been a year since they fixed it last time. The dealership looked it up. Then they looked at the mileage on my car. They then told me that it wasn't under warranty because we had drove it 1,000 m miles over the Warranty. Apparently it is 12,000 or a year for the warranty. Stupid Nissan. I'm starting to not like them. On top of everything else I have to take my State CNA Skills exam on Wednesday this week. What am I going to do if I can't drive my car to the test? I guess I will have to drive Josh to work at 5:30 and take his car. Josh says we can take the car in a Friday to fix it. I thought we were using the money from this next check to pay the stupid credit card companies so that they well stop calling 10 times a day. I guess not. I am done with life. If this is what it's like kill me know!. I hate life. It sucks. I feel like nothing is going to get better. God just take me home now. I can't take it anymore. Why is life getting worse not better! It's so unfair. I hate my life! What is worth living for know? God says he will never give you things you can't handle. Well I can't handle any more crap!. So stop giving it to me or allowing it to happen to me!!!!!!

Happy Birthday to Me!

2010-08-19T21:20:00.000-07:00

Today was my birthday. I had a good day. Scones for breakfast. Winger's for lunch, a peanut butter cup sundae from Leatherby's for dinner. Yummy. Still it really didn't seem like my birthday. I am really missing my girls. Today at Letherby's my friends and I were talking out side and I started crying after I saw someone bring there car seat in. The same one that Ally had. Stupid!. We also had this guy that would not leave us alone. He wanted us to look at some free perfume. We told him no thank you but he still came to talk to us. He then came and asked us about the LDS church. Like that was his pick up line. Stupid. All of us were offended and told him to go away. My one friend was the only one to talk to him. She told him to go to lds.org and read more. He then left. Seriously what was he thinking we're all happily married. Weird. Then on the way home I noticed that my car's service light came on. Not the best birthday present. But it was a good day. Oh I did order two glasses. My birthday presents from my parents.

My Eyes are stupid!

2010-08-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

So this year for my birthday I wanted to get contacts. I have never had them before and I am starting to dislike the way I look in glasses. I had an exam today and the eye doctor told me that I would not be a candidate for contacts. He told me that my eyes where oval shaped and would have to get specialty made contacts that wouldn't even help my vision that much. He said my condition is not that common and that I should go to Moran Eye Center to get it checked out. He said that I might need surgery at some point in my life. Not something anyone wants to hear. The list goes on and on of my imperfections.

The Secret

2010-08-15T21:20:00.000-07:00

When my daughter Evie past away my Aunt Cathy bought me the movie called the Secret. The movie basically tells you if you believe in something it will happen. If you keep telling yourself you will get something you will get it. So I am trying it now. I know it probably will never happen but I keep telling myself each day today might be the day. I am hoping that maybe someday I well open the door to a newborn in a basket with a note telling me to take care of the baby. No strings attached. Here is to hoping.

New Blog

2010-08-09T21:46:00.001-07:00

I decided to make a blog to remember my girls. It is www.rememberingevieandally.blogspot.com. Here you can read about there lives, sickess, memorial dates, ext. Hope all enjoy it. I am still working on Allyson's story. Evie's story was alot shorter because she didn't live that long. I hope to have Ally's done in a day or two. Keep checking.

State Tests

2010-08-09T21:44:00.000-07:00

I signed up for my State CNA Tests. I will be taking the Skills test on August 25th and the Written test on September 17th. Wish me LUCK!!!!

Discouraging Day

2010-08-03T20:09:00.001-07:00

Last night I went to see my mom in Cinderella at Murray Amphitheater. Josh, dad, Manda, Camille, and I all went. We had a great time. After the show we went to Leatherby's for Ice cream. Now don't get me wrong I love to hear stories about my nieces and nephews, but tonight I got really sad. Manda started talking about the Mother's Day program that Kai's preschool did for the moms. She told us how excited he was when performing. The teachers would ask the kids what they liked most, and how old they thought their mom's were. Most of the kids said 3, but Kai said 30. Kai said that Amanda's Hair was pretty. It made me think of Ally and how she never said those things to me. She never told me that she loved me. I know she did but oh how I want to hear her say it. I am kind of wondering if I will ever be able to rase my children on earth. I know that my children were the best and that they were to good to be here, but can't I just have a normal one? Why do my children keep dying? All I have ever wanted to be in this life is a mother. And I can't even be that. What does God want me to do? Doesn't he want me to be happy? I know that I will never be able to adopt. We will never have enough to pay for a kid. Josh and I both think we couldn't handle fostering. We couldn't bear to have the state take away the kids we foster. I wish that someone, someone who doesn't want there baby, to leave it on my doorstep. Leave it and know that the baby would be perfectly fine and happy. But who does that? No one. Sometimes I just Hate my life.

CNA Class

2010-08-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

On Thursday July 29, 2010 I past my final exam for my CNA Class. The then gave me a voucher for taking the State tests. I finished my clinical. The first clinical was on Tuesday last week. I was awesome. I had an awesome CNA who pretty much let me do everything. I also got very Attached to a resident. She reminded me so much of my late Grandma Wheeler. She always wanted to hold my hand and at the end of the day she wanted me to come back at 10 the next day. The best thing I did that day was I got to help feed some of the patients. Very humbling experience. Most of the residents ate better when I was there. It was such a cool experience. The second clinical wasn't so great. My CNA kept leaving me. I spent most of my time looking for the CNA and changing garbage liners. Also I was the only one who seemed to care about the call lights. People working there didn't even notice them. But at this clinical I did get to witness a colostomy bag change and see a man change his condom catheter. Quite the experience. Monday and Thursday of last week were skills days. We Practiced and reviewed the skills that were on the state test. Thursday at the end of class I took my final. I missed 18 questions. I would have only missed 13 had I not gone back over the test when I was finished. I second guessed myself. But I past at least. You could miss 25 questions on the final. I just sent my Voucher in to take the State exam. I'm not so worried about the written exam as I am for the Skills exam. The Skill exam you have to demonstrate all the skills. It's Kind of like speaking in public. I hate to do that. Wish me luck. I will let you know when I am going to take the State test.

Making my choices

2010-07-27T20:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry I'm venting, but I'm extremely mad. Josh informed me that we will not be getting pregnant until I lose some weight. Apparently according to him an my mother I should lose some. Like being called fat by your husband wasn't bad enough. Now my lives decisions are not mine anymore. I apparently have to live by someone else's rules. All I have ever wanted was to be a mom for all of my life and I can't Keep my children for longer than 2 years. And now I have to be thin to even have another. Now life seams to be a little crappier. I know I'm fat! But having comfort foods is all that seems to get me going these days. I seemed to get bribed into every decision I'm suppose to make. I was bribed into waiting 6 months before getting pregnant with Evie. My mom and dad bought a lab top. A lab top that Josh uses more than I do. I'm bribed to work out, I'm bribed to go to school. What aspect of my life now is not a bribe. I feel like a child who can't make any of there own decisions. Who's life is it. MINE. but apparently I can't make important decisions now.

My Wonderful Dad!

2010-07-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Today is my dad's birthday. He is so awesome. Many of you know of my dad's relationship with my daughter Ally. He loved her so much. When she was in the in the NICU for 4 months. My dad would come and read to her everyday. Ally was his couch buddy. They always watched TV together. Sunday's dad would rush home from his church meetings to see her. When ever we would come over dad would rush to get Ally. I think out of all of us who lost her Dad was the most effected. I'm so sorry Dad that she isn't with us anymore. I miss her so much. I wish was here for your birthday. I love my dad. He has always been there. He was there every hospital stay Ally had. He was there when i had hard times at work. He always takes me out to lunch on Thursdays. He has bailed me out tuns of times when needed. He and my mom our letting us stay. He gives great hugs. He is the most spiritual man I know. Dad on your birthday I just wanted you to know how much I love and appreciate all that you have done for me. I am so grateful to call you my dad. Love you.

last Photo Shoot #7

2010-07-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

last Photo Shoot #6

2010-07-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

last Photo Shoot #5

2010-07-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

Last Photo Shoot #4

2010-07-05T15:12:00.000-07:00

Last Photo Shoot #3

2010-07-05T15:09:00.001-07:00

Last Photo Shoot #2

2010-07-05T15:06:00.000-07:00

Ally's Last Photo Shoot!

2010-07-05T15:01:00.000-07:00

The Sunday before Ally's death. Amanda was inspired to do a spring photo shoot with the kids. My cousin Lindsey made the girls Dresses. Here are the photos she got of Ally. Ally was so happy even until the day she died. Thanks Amanda for being inspired and for taking the priceless pictures. I can't post all the pictures in one post so there might be more.

CNA to RN

2010-07-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

Think I can do it? My mom and I drove to Eagle Mountain Last night to have my awesome cousin give me a CNA pep talk. If you ever need one she is the person to go to. Recently I have been throwing around the Idea of becoming a CNA. My cute cousin recommended a class that is 2 weeks long and only $400. Monday-Friday 5-10 p.m. With a Phlebotomy certification on the first weeks Saturday from 8 a.m.-2 p.m. My cousin and her family were in St. George with us a couple of months ago and she saw hands on how good my medical skills were with Ally. She told me last night that I really had a good bed side manner and had talent in the medical profession. She also said that she thinks that I will do something great if I did become a nurse. I would change the world, discover something, maybe even find the cure for Diaphragmatic Hernias or help some one who does. This in-turn gave my mom and I goose bumps. My Cousin is an RN and works for home care. She makes $200 a day, works 8-12, with five people she sees and only works 2 days a week. She says she loves it and she makes as much as her husband does at his weekly job. She told me that CNA's don't make that much and they do all the dirty work. Clean up poop, Change bedding, vital signs, clean rooms ext. I said that I think I would get board with that. She said she did and then became a LPN. Or a Lower paid nurse as she says. It really stands for License Practitioner Nurse. They do medication, vitals ext. A little better work than CNA's. And then she became an RN (registered nurse), which as she calls it the rich nurses. They can do most everything. I am a little excited about becoming an RN and Getting certified in CNA which I think is a little weird for me. Most of you know that I hate school, I hate reading things, and usually have massive anxiety when it comes to even thinking about school. I was not the best in school and struggled with anything. It might be because I read at a 7th grade level even through college and things took me a lot longer to do than other students. But I have always wanted to be a nurse ever since I was a Kid. My mom today told me that she thinks its a not a diction. She thinks that its a must and a no brainer. Interesting things our happening in my life. What does everything think.