August and September.

August 4th I found out that I was pregnant with #4.  I was thrilled.  A little hesitant because I had no symptoms.  Just tired and having a hard time getting to sleep which has been often lately.  I brushed the no symptoms as a blessing.

August 19th was my 31st birthday.  The Wheelers wanted to get together one last time before school started.  They decided that we should have a Lagoon day on my birthday.  I had a great time.  The only ride I went on was puff and the fairs wheel.  Both I thought wouldn't hurt me.  Gracie had a blast and loved going on the rides.  It was her first time and the last time Josh and I went was when Ally was still in the NICU.  All in all it was a great day and great birthday.

August 21st I started craping and spotting I didn't think much of it.  I have always spotted and cramped  with all my pregnancies.

August 22nd is when The cramps really started to hurt.  Scared to death I called the doctor.  Dr suggested that I have an HCG Blood test done. I immediately went to the hospital and had my blood drawn.   We were planning on going to St. George the next day. They set another time to do a blood draw in St George.  I'm still crampon very hardly and Tylenol doesn't seem to be helping.  I went over to my sisters.  I then went to the bathroom and noticed a blood clot in the toilet paper.  I asked my sister to be sure and she confirmed that it was a miscarriage.  I immediately Started to cry.  Things rushing through my head.  Why again?  YOu already have 2 of my children.  Why do you need to take a 3rd?  I am still very angry with Heavenly Father and am trying to have a better relationship with him.  The experience made me pull away not get closer to him.

The next 2 days were in St. George.  I was very weak and remember almost passing out as we went shopping.  I received a blessing in which I was told that Heavenly Father was mindful of me.  I didn't believe any of it.  I was so mad.

September came and the first week we traveled to Lake Powell.  I was still reading and praying but still really angry.  Our trip was Great.

Never have had a miscarriage before so I had no idea what to expect.  I didn't know if I needed to have a D & C?  or go to the doc?  or even when my next cycle would arrive.  I was told to wait 2 cycles before trying again by my OB and I could try when I was emotionally ready from my primary care dr.  So we haven't prevented it.

First test was negative.  Second test negative at first but faint line later.  Pregnancy tests have not been my friend lately.  In april I had a false positive and now a negative and a faint line.  I called the dr. and asked how long after a miscarriage is your cycle suppose to take? He told me to take another test.  So I did.  The faint line one.  He said that if it wasn't positive then  just had to keep waiting.  So frustrating.

So I now am waiting.  Gracie has been gaining 5 oz a month.  So not much but at least it is something.  We have many suggestions on how to help her.  Eating at the table, no distractions while eating(TV Radio), daddy has even been asked to eat at the table with us.

Another good note is my little sister invited me to her Impact Training Graduation on Saturday.  She hasn't talked to me since her divorce in January.  I was so thrilled to go.  I think we are now talking which is so great.  I love her and have missed spending time with her.

I also just started therapy again.