Last night was really bad. Josh worked graveyard and I wasn't ok. I don't think that I have cried that hard before. I was seriously suicidal. I cut an scratched my wrists. I have never wanted to die so much before. I called my sister at 1 and told her what was happening. I feel like nothing is going to get better. I'm trying to make things happen and nothing is. I was way depressed about getting a job. It just makes me feel hopeless. Job hunting always makes me feel like i'm not good enough. I missed my girls so much I just wanted to be with them. To see them on earth. My sister told me get some Tylenol PM and take it and go to bed. She said that I should take only 2. I took 4. I was going to take more but I chickened out. I had a talk with my counselor. Her 25 daughter committed suicide last year around this time. I shouldn't have asked this question but I did. I asked her if she thought her daughter was in spirit paradise. She told me that she wasn't in the right frame of mind. Her daughter had been drinking and had a really high alcohol level. She didn't drink before.
This made me think in a way that I shouldn't. Maybe if I got drunk and committed suicide that I could see my girls again? Then it wouldn't be my fault. But knowing my luck it would back fire on me. Nothing is worth living for. Josh maybe but he would find someone else that is better than me. I just wish that God would take me in my sleep and I have prayed allot for that. I can't take it anymore. There is nothing to look forward to.
2 comments:
Oh Melanie I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I'm not going to pretend to know what it feels like to be in your position, but I just feel really strongly that I need to tell you that YOU MATTER. I had 3 family members pass away within a few months of each other. At one of the funerals my mom spoke about how our earthly existence is so hard, so agonizing, so painful for us, that Heavenly Father doesn't keep us on this earth one second longer than we need to be. Thus, if we have a pulse, we have a purpose. As long as God has us on this earth, we still have an important mission to fulfill. The comfort we can find in it is that He didn't send us here without the tools needed to endure. The scriptures, Bishops, the Temple, the Gospel in general. Find strength in your daughters; stay strong for them. Stay strong for your friends, families, neighbors. The world would be a sadder place without you, Melanie. We weren't in the same ward very long, but I can tell you that you have left such a significant impact in our ward that still exists. When the announcement was made about your daughter, people in the ward openly wept out of love for you. Melanie, you matter. You would be missed. The footprint you leave behind in life is much larger than you know. You inspire me, so I can only guess that you inspire many people each day. We all go through our "Fridays", but remember that "Sunday will come" (http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=0af888f17feae010VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD). Melanie you are loved!! I'm so sorry for your losses and what you are going through. I am here for you, as I'm sure many other people are too. You really are doing great, just don't give up. Hang in there, we are all praying for you.
Wow Melanie. I hope you get feeling better. If you aren't on anti-depressents get on them! I know I feel better when I take them. Losing one child has to be the worst thing in the world, two is just beyond comprehension. I don't even want to think about how bad you're hurting. Know that all your feelings are justified. You're not crazy you're human!!
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